Twitter meets Wrestling!
Wednesday the world imploded and gassed out something excellent. Another idea for a blog! For those that follow me on twitter or read my blogs you may notice a bit of escalated drama in my tweets and posts. Most of which is due to and coincides with my love of professional wrestling! WWF/WWE, WCW, ECW and others were mainstays on my television as a kid.
Fanny pack not included.
Let me tell you the following story like a high school rumor floating around school.
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It all started when two minds collided and One Man asked who would play a real life miss Elizabeth? Wife of the late Macho Man Randy Savage RIP.
Another said “Man, that would be awesome to match up Twitter personalities to wrestlers.
Fearless leader immediately dibs gold dust.
Number 2 dibs doink the clown. A full minute behind him i did as well. 😦
Another wants to be scott hall.
Coquit states that he wants to be virgil.
Then the Stromboniest one requests Papa Shango. Which Another promptly photoshops for him.
The end….
Meet your cast and characters:
One man : @socialassassin2
Another: @thestanchion
Fearless Leader: @thomasdrance
Number 2 : @browntobure
Coquit: @Mitch_SBMedia
Myself: @Mattthemascot
The Stromboniest One: @strombone1
But wait theres more! What fun would it be if i didnt include some of the others in our twitter sphere? Lets have some fun!
@jbowmancouver : The Undertaker. Its the beard bru. Keep that badass for movember.
@harrisonmooney : whomever he wants to in those pants
@GMmikegillis : a bottle of jamesons
@Trevor_Linden : Mr Perfect (RIP)
@DarrenDreger : this guy
@RonHNIC: Vince MacMahon
#shapheat gentlemen.
@mattthemascot
Hockey Calls
This cold tuesday morning, just after getting my fake sportscentre updates and watching the latest episode of Epic Meal Time, I received a phone call from an employee from the Abbotsford Heat front office. He received my private information from LiveNation.com. Thats not a great way to conduct business there LiveNation. But thats not what this is about. What this is about is the state of current hockey affairs.
The reason they phoned is because the Heat are desperate for repeat customers seeing how they have some of the worst attendances in their league (AHL). So he talked some bs and then offered discounts with his personal information. Desperate much? With the lockout the Heat’s attendance has gone DOWN! What the hell people? Harrison Mooney and his tight pants cant do it all himself! I have been attending the local BCHL team here The Surrey Eagles. Its great hockey. The arena is cold. Beer is cheap. They have a very friendly mascot for your kids. Same with Abbotsford.
Please support your local hockey team folks. They need it. Screw the lockout. Fuck the NHL. I still dont believe a season will happen so go hang out at your local rink. They will be happy you came.
@mattthemascot
The Interviews…..
Here is a list of my interviews in chronological order.
Your welcome.
Keith Ballard
Ryan Kesler
Todd Bertuzzi
Brendan Morrison
Bret Hedican
Kyle Wellwood
Dan Hamhuis
Michael Cammalleri
Zack Kassian
Kevin Bieksa
Alex Edler
David Booth
Season Two
Jason Garrison
Cory Schneider
Dany Heatley
Willie Mitchell
More fun to come!
@mattthemascot
(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Willie Mitchell SEASON TWO10/17/2012
One chilly night in October, myself and several of Vancouver’s bloggers went to a charity hockey event called “Bieksa’s Buddies”. In this game, the focus was to have fun and to raise some money for local charities. The game was entertaining and made everyone in attendance forget that there was a lockout happening in the real hockey world.
After the game, a few of us stopped off for a drink at a campus pub called The Dirty Pit. We heard a ruckus in the corner and saw that it was none other than Kevin Bieksa and Willie Mitchell. Dan Hamhuis was in the booth beside them with Manny Malhotra. Being half cut and feeling ballsy, Wyatt and I went over to their tables and said hello.
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MattTheMascot: Kevin! Hammer! Wow Willie Mitchell! Hi Manny…..
Manny Malhotra: You’re lucky I don’t destroy you in public.
Willie Mitchell: What am I missing here guys?
MM: This impudent arrogant person here disgraced and humiliated me in public.
MTM: Well, maybe if you stiff lip jedi knew how to take a sarcastic joke, you wouldn’t try and cut me in half with your lightsaber.
WM: What? You’re a jedi? You’re hilarious.
The Stanchion: It’s true. I know all about the Canucks and their jedi powers.
(Manny looks at The Stanchion, waves his hand in face and says….)
MM: Wyatt go with your friend Kevin here, he wants to have a word with you.
STANCH: (eyes glazed over) Ok.
Dan Hamhuis: (looks at me) Hi Buddy! I’m going with Kevin. Byyyyyyeeeeeeee!!!!
(The other group leaves us)
WM: Are you kidding me? What’s really going on here?
MTM: Ok fine I’ll tell you. Just know that there are things that you may not understand.
(He nods, Manny is visibly twitching in anger)
MTM: I worked for the Canucks as an interviewer/columnist for a short period of time. I was able to make Manny here mad enough to try and cut me in half with a lightsaber, exposing his jedi craft at the same time. He was obviously distraught about it.
MM: You made me look like a fool! (He stands up, palms slam on the table) And one day I will have my revenge!
(Manny leaves the pub. Using his force powers he blows the doors open and zaps poor UBC mascot Thunderbird with force lightning, turning him into a giant smoking chicken)
WM: Wow you really pissed in his corn flakes…..
MTM: Tell me about it. Sorry I come with quite a bit of baggage. Anyways what made you come here for this game?
WM: Juice and I have been friends for a long time. He asked and I couldn’t say no.
MTM: Being a local guy who was a fan favorite, do you get recognized a lot here in Vancouver?
WM: Not as much as I would have thought. The people here forget fast and easily. Too much weed smoking and coffee drinking equals short attention spans.
MTM: If I just happened to have a joint with me would you blaze with me?
WM: I wish. I will admit I do miss it. But NHL drug testing would pick it up instantly. And I kind of like my job you know.
(He smiles, lifts his Stanley cup championship ring and kisses it)
MTM: Wow man. That looks like it’s worth more than my house.
WM: No you can’t touch it.
MTM: I wasn’t… I mean… Ok fine.
WM: So what’s your angle? Why are you here?
MTM: I’m just a regular everyday normal guy looking to shap it up with you man. What’s makes you think I have “an angle”?
WM: You know how Manny said he’s a jedi? Well I’m special too. I am reading your mind fool. (He taps his his left temple with his index finger)
MTM: You’re a funny guy….
WM: What does Mike Gillis see in you? If he wants information he is going to have to come with someone stronger than you.
MTM: I’m sorry Willie… I didn’t want to this but you leave me no choice.
WM: if you even think of using that taser you pulled out of your pocket I will scramble your brain like an omle…….
(I was fast and got close enough to graze him. He squirms a bit seems otherwise unfazed. So naturally I zap him again. He passes out and comes to a second later, confusion in his eyes)
WM: What happened? Why does my leg hurt?
MTM: Nothing happened. What are you talking about?
WM: Wait…. I can’t hear your thoughts, damn you tased me didn’t you? Electro shock is my kryptonite….
MTM: That’s my cue….
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I ran out of the bar, as fast as my legs could carry me. I need to call Schneider, I need help. I haven’t told him about what happened in Toronto yet…..
@mattthemascot
Now you care?
This is not for the faint of heart and easily offended.
Im a volatile and angry person to begin with and this weeks exploits have pushed me to an edge.
This topic is of suicide and how a particular teen has brought this into the forefront once more.
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Now you care?
A young woman in a suburban setting offs herself and now you care?
People have mental problems all over the globe and now you care?
The entire downtown core of Vancouver is filled with homeless who have mental problems and now all of a sudden you care?
If one of them committed suicide would you care?
No you wouldn’t you hypocritical pieces of shit.
If a “suicide bomber” in Iraq kills himself because hes sad and the media proclaims him a terrorist, would you give a shit?
No because all of society feels that if you don’t like a photo on facebook claiming to support this newest trend, you aren’t a decent human being.
Get this… NEWS FLASH!
Suicide is a huge problem and is happening everyday all over the world, but NOW you care because some little girl was sad.
I hope you ignorant people of the world choke and die if this is news to you. If you didn’t think mental illness and suicide was a problem before you need to open your eyes and stop being such an idiot.
Don’t give me this “now im really sad for this person I didn’t know” crap. Because your not. Your falling victim to a trend of media propaganda.
Don’t take this the wrong way…. I support your decisions to support mental illness. Its just the fact of now you care?
Replacement Media Fun
With the recent NHL lockout, the blogosphere has been forced to live on even more meager means that before. That being said, most of the bloggers who do this for a living are less biased and more truthful when it comes to sports than most local sports writers.
They are also more compassionate because most are doing it for the love of the sport or just for fun. Not for ratings, not for view counts, and certainly not for money because yeah, there really isn’t much to go around out there.
With all the MSM vs Blogosphere hoohah going around, I thought it would be fun to create a list of Replacement Media personnel. The following is not necessarily a jab at certain TV anchors / personalities, but is also a direct stab at some.
There are far too many good bloggers in Vancouver alone to get everyone in this small piece, let alone Canada and the rest of the world, so I went with a route of locals of Vancouver and followers of my favorite teams.
Not only is Wyatt the Stanchion doing a fake sportscentre with crazy hair and nervous twitches, but he and fellow Legion of Blog blogger (sigh) Jordan Bowman are a tag team that could lead the country’s top sports news program.
Marda Miller aka Burrows Girl and Cam Davie aka The Tinfoil Toque could be their opposite night agents, lending expertise, veteran leadership, and massive amounts of twitter followers.
Thomas Drance and Cam Charron may both be in Toronto but both hold love for our local and nationwide sports. Numbers are their game and no one does it better.
For those of you who don’t know who Greg Wyshynski is, shame on you, well if you read hockey blogs that is. A guru in the game, he is a must read/listen/twitter follow.
My boys Brown to Bure aka Dave Wells and Mitch (no idea what your last name is) are two young guys shappin their way through the world one tweet at a time.
And I actually compared myself to Nick Kypreos, because no one really likes me, I just force my way into other peoples important conversations like I actually know what I’m talking about…..
Too many bloggers to mention, but they people at Canucks Army, Pass it to Bulis, The Backhand Shelf, Puck Daddy, Nucks Misconduct, Legion of Blog and countless other independent blogs are vital to our game, so support them via twitter or read the blogs. Some of them actually make a living from these.
@mattthemascot
(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Dirty Dany Heatley 10/3/2012 SEASON TWO
It was a cold day in October when I was summoned to jury duty in New Westminster. While sitting in the courtroom wondering how I could get out of it, I saw a familiar face. The one and only – drunk driving, friend killing, trade demanding little baby boy – Dany Heatley.
After sitting through hours of nonsense we were both released at the same time. I chased him through the streets of New West and managed to catch him outside a starbucks begging for change. He was dirty, his shirt had holes in it, half of one his eyebrows was gone. He smelled like a sewer spit him up. So nonetheless, being a terrible person, I decided to extract whatever information I could out of him.
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MattTheMascot: Dany Heatley? Is that really you?
Dany Heatley: You recognize me?
MTM: Of course man, you were one of the best Canadian forwards in the NHL.
DH: Do you have any spare change?
MTM: What has happened to you? Let me buy you some food and a drink.
DH: I don’t want your food. I need money for cocai…. I mean yeah food.
MTM: Why are you here? I mean in BC I mean.
DH: I came to BC after I first met Zack Parise. He came to the Wild, as you probably know, walked into a players meeting, slapped me and said “This is my team now bitch”. No one on the team likes me anyways so I looked for another team to tryout with. Vancouver seemed logical so I came here. Once the NHL locked us out I ran out of money and now I can’t get home.
MTM: You signed a huge multimillion dollar contract only a few years back. What happened to your money?
DH: Cocaine man. Nothing but blow. During the offseason they don’t do drug testing so I use that to my advantage. I basically live off of scraps during the hockey season so I can have a couple of months to not sleep and bang hookers.
MTM: You look like you haven’t slept in months.
DH: Last night was really rough. I got into a bar fight after I picked up a girl who wound up being a guy. I stuck my hand down “her” pants, flipped out and then he punched me in the face. That’s when I realized I was in a bar called Celebrities and apparently it’s a gay bar. I was so high I didn’t realize what was happening.
MTM: Don’t you have any friends here? Other players that can give you a hand?
DH: Obviously you don’t know me that well. Nobody likes me. Not even a small bit. I don’t know why, maybe it’s due to my excessive alcoholism and drug addiction. Maybe it’s my penchant for hookers and blow.
MTM: What about your family?
DH: They all live in Germany and won’t accept my collect calls.
MTM: That still doesn’t explain why you were at jury duty here in new west.
DH: I thought that it was a gathering of alcoholics and was hoping to get some cookies and coffee.
MTM: I wish I could help you more man. I’ll give you the cash in my wallet and buy you a meal if you’ll accept it.
DH: Just leave. I’m a grown ass man and I can find my own way home.
MTM: Fine be that way. Hockey is better off without you.
(I phone Cory Schneider to give him a progress report, and he tells me to phone Gillis directly, as he said he was bathing in champagne with his lady. Gillis told me to come to his office)
(30 minutes later in Gillis’ office I explain to him what I learned with Dany)
Mike Gillis: Your next assignment is in Toronto. Here is your information and tickets (he hands me an envelope). Inside is bonus cash and a new phone. Now get the fuck out.
MTM: Deal.
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Wow what a long day. I’m tired. I’m on a plane first thing tomorrow to Toronto. This is getting weird and can’t help but think that I’m being setup for something.
Till then……
@mattthemascot
(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Cory Schneider 9/6/2012 SEASON TWO
It is on this lonely Thursday, that I am in downtown Vancouver, wandering aimlessly having a crisis. I was fired from my job with the Canucks organization, and because of my poor education and limits physically, I have been unable to find steady work above minimum wage. On top of that I could not pay my rent so I was evicted and spent the past two months on the couches of my family and friends. I was finding jobs at fast food restaurants and movie theatres, but kept getting fired for reasons I deemed unfit (falling asleep watching Batman while on the company dime might have been the only appropriate termination).
So today on this sunny yet slightly chilly day I am looking for work but I am at the end of my rope. I have no money and have burned all my bridges, over extending my welcome as a bad house guest. I have no clean clothes and am getting rather hungry. I am in yaletown, looking like something out of a horror movie I’m sure, when I lean against a starbucks window and fall asleep. I awoke to a starbucks employee hitting me with a broom telling me to go away and that I’m scaring away his macchiato sipping customers. I get up and run around the corner, tears welling in my eyes when I crash into a person, their drink spilling all over myself and this poor fellow. I get up apologizing over and over when I look up and see it is none other than Vancouver Canucks goaltending specialist, Cory Schneider.
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MattTheMascot: Oh my, I’m so sorry Mr. Schneider. I’m so so sorry.
Cory Schneider: Calm down, it’s ok, it’s just coffee.
MTM: Are you burned? I’m so sorry!
CS: I said I’m ok, and call me Cory please.
MTM: Ok, sorry, Cory.
(I’m acting like a 6 year old meeting Santa Claus, bumbling and pausing after every word)
CS: Like I said its ok. Is everything all right? You look like you have seen a ghost.
MTM: I shouldn’t bother you with any of my problems. Please let me give you some money so you can get that shirt washed.
CS: Oh don’t worry about it. Wait a minute…. You look really familiar. Do I know you?
MTM: We have met before yes. I was an employee of the Canucks up until a few months ago.
CS: Right the interviewer…. You called me a “Ginger Ninja” in Minnesota.
MTM: Oh god that’s right…..
CS: For which I punched you in the balls.
MTM: And I deserved it too. I was super messed up that night.
CS: And I apologize for hitting you. I shouldn’t have done that. I am working on keeping my emotions in check. I am practicing the art of Buddhism to alleviate stress in my life.
MTM: Thanks for making sure I didn’t die in Minny, like Dany Heatly, Zack Parise and Ryan Suter are about to do.
CS: Shap!
MTM: You know the term shap?
CS: Are you kidding? Myself and Kes are masters at the art of shap. We shappity shap all day long, we just didn’t have a term for it before.
MTM: That’s hilarious, but I really should be on my way, I don’t belong in this neighborhood and the VPD will probably come and beat me half to death for being poor in a rich white neighborhood.
CS: Wait wait wait. I heard about how Gillis was a jerk and fired you. The rest of the team and I all felt bad, even if you caused us some grief for a few months…. (he laughs) I want to help you out, let me try and get your job back.
MTM: But won’t the impending lockout take precedence over getting a bum his job back? I can barely afford food let alone new clothes and a haircut.
CS: Pish posh, just relax. I will help you with that. We need to clean you up if you even think we are getting in the door.
(Cory takes me to his local pad, a penthouse suite in one of the tallest buildings in Vancouver. He offers me a shower and some clean clothes. We then go to a barber, get a shave and a nice haircut.)
(He hails a cab afterwards and we set off towards Rogers arena)
MTM: Cory, you’ve done so much for me, how can I ever repay you?
CS: Hamhuis told me to do as an act of faith. He really likes you.
(We arrive at Rogers Arena, and enter past large guards that each look as though they could rip a tree out of the ground. We are directed to Mike Gillis’ office on the top floor. More guards await us there, this time armed with automatic assault rifles and bulletproof vests.)
CS: He is expecting us.
MTM: Ok what is going on here?
(Mike Gillis turns around in his leather swivel chair like a bad bond villain.)
Mike Gillis: Sit down and shut up.
(The guards leave the room, leaving the three of us alone.)
MG: Matt you are lucky you are even allowed back in here, after the stunts you pulled. Our friend Cory here and his teammates came to me after I fired you and asked for you back. I initially hesitated, but Cory phoned me today and asked again. Now I’m not going to hire you back into your original position. I’m also not going to be hiring you back officially on paper either. I need you to get information for me, information I cannot get. Our players and other team’s players will open up to you, and I need that intel.
MTM: Uhhh, question? Why is Cory here hearing all this?
MG: Simple, he’s my mole, and you’re going to be his partner. He’s also your superior officer and will be your contact on the inside. I will provide you with security clearance and anything else you will need.
MTM: And if I say no?
MG: Then I shoot you in the head, with no remorse. (He pulls out a gold plated handgun.)
MTM: Hey whoa whoa….. Why all this hate? We are all good Scottish men at heart aren’t we?
CS: I’m German.
MG: GET THE HELL OUT.
(The doors open again and the security guards point their rifles at me.)
MTM: Ok I get it, I’m leaving.
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On our way out Cory hands me an envelope, gets in a limo and drives off. In the envelope is a blackberry, a Bluetooth headset, 5000 dollars and a note that says “Wait”
Here we go again…….
Goodbye Maple Place
The experience of moving to a new place of living can be a dream, or a nightmare. For some of us, we get to upgrade, while others are forced out to other more meager dwellings. I was fortunate to move up on the scale while moving away from a current hell hole called Maple Place. I have made a poem concluding my move out of that surrey dump, of which I am going to share with you.
Goodbye Maple place
-I wish to never return except to see the friends I have met
Goodbye annoying people always wanting to touch and caress my dog
-Stop that, it’s weird
Goodbye bin divers at 4 am
-It’s too early to stir around the smell of garbage, you stink
Goodbye heaters that never work in the winter time
-We really hope the next people take you to court over them
Goodbye mysterious hole in the bathroom wall
-I tried not to look at, it was creepy
Goodbye terrible water pressure and shatty plumbing as a whole
-Never understood plumbing or I would have fixed it myself
Goodbye horrible maintenance and cleaning staff
-I used to see how long it would be in between vacuuming and floor washing, sometimes up to three weeks.
Goodbye terrible drug addicted neighbors who stay up till 4 am every day
-Your d-bags and will get yours one day
Goodbye weird people with dogs (Mike and Melissa you guys are great this doesn’t apply to you)
-Just because you have a dog doesn’t mean I want to talk to you at all.
Goodbye weird guy who has a “Neverland Bookmobile”
-Michael Jackson is going to meet you in hell, South Park Chicken Fucker Part 2
Goodbye bed bug infestation.
-Oh yeah new tenants…… about that
In conclusion, I hope the good people who live there find a way out soon. For the rest of you, stay and rot for all I care.
Flea Market Day
So today I went to the Cloverdale flea market with my wife and some friends of ours. It was a very sunny and warm Sunday where I felt like melting an ice cream sandwich on my face or sticking my head into a tub of ice water. For those of you who don’t know, flea markets are places where 99% of the products you see for sale are just a bunch of junk no one wants anymore. These flea markets have been bastardized by ever annoying shows such as storage wars, where now everyone things there hunk of dried dog poo is worth a hundred thousand dollars. Although it’s usually truckloads of stolen goods sold by gypsies, occasionally you find some decent items mixed among them. But then, you find something so awe inspiring, so nostalgic, you lose a bit of yourself in memories of past or dreams of the future. And I am here to share some of the things I saw that I almost bought.
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From the outside it just looks like a bronzed bird. But upon closer inspection you see that it is actually Toucan Sam, the mascot of Fruit Loops cereal, frozen in carbonite, then covered in bronze, put on display because the owner is a mad sadist bird hater. I felt bad for him but the guy wanted 50,000 republic credits, which aren’t even real so I left the table, hoping that @streetcrow will be able to fund his cousin’s escape from his vile jailers grasp.
These were the first Nintendo games I ever played, Super Mario Bros and Blades of Steel. Some of my finest moments in the sport of hockey came from Blades of Steel. Like the time I beat my 9 year old cousin by a devastating score of 16 – 0. This was in 1991 and ever since then my video game playing skills have only gotten worse.
And Super Mario Bros, you have a special place in my heart. You changed the world and I am better off with you in my life than if you had ceased to exist. Who knows, if you didn’t change the scope of how games were played maybe I would be a doctor or a physicist, living a boring uncreative suicidal life. I love you man.
The slide projector was a revolutionary piece of technology, it allowed pictures to be blown up in relatively clear quality against a wall of some kind. Now obviously 40 something years later this is a completely useless, ancient piece of junk, but it is a prime example of the level of technology available in the 1960s and 70s. This brand, however, Google can’t even answer much other than that it is basically stolen pieces from other projectors on the market and sold as a different company for ridiculously cheap. I believe this may have been a walmart scam before walmart was walmart.
Growing up a Vancouver Canucks fan, I saw the rise and fall of the Russian Rocket known as Pavel Bure. I saw him live in person several times and could honestly tell you, no one in the world was on this guys level. Eventually he was hampered by injuries and a terrible contract that led to his removal in Vancouver and eventually back to Russia. This autographed photo was only 100 dollars and came with a certificate of authenticity. If I didn’t just buy a condo and wasn’t planning a trip to Mexico, this would be up on my wall already.
A panther poorly carved out of wood? You bet! The owner of this item tried telling me this was worth 30 dollars! Hah! What a dipshit. The only reason I partially liked this was because I read a series of novels that feature a panther in it.
And finally A FREAKIN CROSSBOW! It was crudely made, and didn’t have all of its working components but hey you know what? If I got it to work I would be able to put an arrow right between the eyes of a bear. Or if I was like David Booth of the Vancouver Canucks, I would leave some rancid meat in a barrel and cheap shot it when it wasn’t looking. I wonder if bear meat is any good….. Dammit off topic.
A FREAKING CROSSBOW!
Matt The Mascot 