(Fake) Interviews with NHL players! Kyle Wellwood 2-13-2012

Thanks to a ride into Canada with Bret Hedican, a 24 hour snowstorm and a greyhound that I later figured out was part of a Canadian tragedy, I have found my way into Winnipeg Manitoba. A cold city, a grey city, home to the prairie fairies the Blue Bombers and the cursed Winnipeg Jets.

Once I figured out where I was I knew I had to get more money for my trip home. My wallet was thin, and my magic ruby was clearly not working the way it was supposed to. I walked by a local pub and a sign on the window said ” Hot Dog Eating Contest – Cash Prize”. Well stomach, I said, let’s do this we can win. I enter and who but who is my main competition, none other than former Canuck, Kyle Wellwood.


MattTheMascot: Hey Kyle, my name is Matt. I am an independent news outlet based out of Vancouver. Can I have a few minutes of your time?

Kyle Wellwood: Sure, nice to meet you. Are you entering the contest?

MTM: Yes I am in need of money, I’m trying to get home to Vancouver.

KW: Why would you want to go back? Hate that place. No one liked me there.

MTM: That’s my home man, its where I grew up. Not my fault that no one likes you there. And what makes you say that anyways?

KW: No one liked me because I wasn’t appreciated. I had moves and skills that no one on that team could match. Daniel? Pffft. Kesler? Boo-urns.

MTM: Didn’t Gillis like you? There had to be a reason he brought you in?

KW: He owed me on a bet. Guess what it was? An Eating contest! I’m a champ man! Can’t stop me!

MTM: Let me guess Byfuglien is here too huh?

KW: Of course. He’s been here for awhile now warming up.

(Sees Byfuglien slamming beers like a Dwarf from Lord of the rings, roaring like a savage orc)

MTM: Oh Man I’m in over my head.

( I sit in my seat. A bell rings. I am to eat as many as I can in one minute. I eat one and a bite of another. Dustin Byfuglien comes in a proud second place with six which he promptly vomits back up. But Kyle Wellwood eats an astonishing 33 fifty cent ikea hot dogs in 60 seconds!)

(The crowd of 6 farmers and 6 farmer helpers and one bartender jump for joy!)

MTM: Your fucking disgusting!

KW: You owe me ten dollars pay up!

MTM: Fine. (I pass it to him) What about old fugly there?

KW: He’s a big boy he can take care of himself. Let’s sit down and grab a brew.

MTM: No thanks. Did you know your Wikipedia page still shows you as a Canuck? Are you that ghetto that you don’t even monitor what people say about you?

KW: Whatever man I’m the champ WOOOOOO!

MTM: Ok I’m done now. I’m leaving I’ve had enough.


I see a wallet on the floor. I open it, of course its kyle’s. I take the cash and leave the wallet on the counter with the bartender. I walk out with $65 Canadian currency and 35 cents in Canadian Tire money. Typical.

Another greyhound awaits. I only have enough to get to Calgary so ill see how that goes.


Pictures courtesy www.thetwolinepass.com www.nhl.com

The next episode! https://mattthemascot.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/fake-interviews-with-nhl-players-dan-hamhuis-2-20-2012/


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  1. The Interviews….. « Matt The Mascot - October 19, 2012

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