(Fake) Interviews with NHL players! Kyle Wellwood 2-13-2012
Thanks to a ride into Canada with Bret Hedican, a 24 hour snowstorm and a greyhound that I later figured out was part of a Canadian tragedy, I have found my way into Winnipeg Manitoba. A cold city, a grey city, home to the prairie fairies the Blue Bombers and the cursed Winnipeg Jets.
Once I figured out where I was I knew I had to get more money for my trip home. My wallet was thin, and my magic ruby was clearly not working the way it was supposed to. I walked by a local pub and a sign on the window said ” Hot Dog Eating Contest – Cash Prize”. Well stomach, I said, let’s do this we can win. I enter and who but who is my main competition, none other than former Canuck, Kyle Wellwood.
MattTheMascot: Hey Kyle, my name is Matt. I am an independent news outlet based out of Vancouver. Can I have a few minutes of your time?
Kyle Wellwood: Sure, nice to meet you. Are you entering the contest?
MTM: Yes I am in need of money, I’m trying to get home to Vancouver.
KW: Why would you want to go back? Hate that place. No one liked me there.
MTM: That’s my home man, its where I grew up. Not my fault that no one likes you there. And what makes you say that anyways?
KW: No one liked me because I wasn’t appreciated. I had moves and skills that no one on that team could match. Daniel? Pffft. Kesler? Boo-urns.
MTM: Didn’t Gillis like you? There had to be a reason he brought you in?
KW: He owed me on a bet. Guess what it was? An Eating contest! I’m a champ man! Can’t stop me!
MTM: Let me guess Byfuglien is here too huh?
KW: Of course. He’s been here for awhile now warming up.
(Sees Byfuglien slamming beers like a Dwarf from Lord of the rings, roaring like a savage orc)
MTM: Oh Man I’m in over my head.
( I sit in my seat. A bell rings. I am to eat as many as I can in one minute. I eat one and a bite of another. Dustin Byfuglien comes in a proud second place with six which he promptly vomits back up. But Kyle Wellwood eats an astonishing 33 fifty cent ikea hot dogs in 60 seconds!)
(The crowd of 6 farmers and 6 farmer helpers and one bartender jump for joy!)
MTM: Your fucking disgusting!
KW: You owe me ten dollars pay up!
MTM: Fine. (I pass it to him) What about old fugly there?
KW: He’s a big boy he can take care of himself. Let’s sit down and grab a brew.
MTM: No thanks. Did you know your Wikipedia page still shows you as a Canuck? Are you that ghetto that you don’t even monitor what people say about you?
KW: Whatever man I’m the champ WOOOOOO!
MTM: Ok I’m done now. I’m leaving I’ve had enough.
I see a wallet on the floor. I open it, of course its kyle’s. I take the cash and leave the wallet on the counter with the bartender. I walk out with $65 Canadian currency and 35 cents in Canadian Tire money. Typical.
Another greyhound awaits. I only have enough to get to Calgary so ill see how that goes.