(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Dirty Dany Heatley 10/3/2012 SEASON TWO
It was a cold day in October when I was summoned to jury duty in New Westminster. While sitting in the courtroom wondering how I could get out of it, I saw a familiar face. The one and only – drunk driving, friend killing, trade demanding little baby boy – Dany Heatley.
After sitting through hours of nonsense we were both released at the same time. I chased him through the streets of New West and managed to catch him outside a starbucks begging for change. He was dirty, his shirt had holes in it, half of one his eyebrows was gone. He smelled like a sewer spit him up. So nonetheless, being a terrible person, I decided to extract whatever information I could out of him.
MattTheMascot: Dany Heatley? Is that really you?
Dany Heatley: You recognize me?
MTM: Of course man, you were one of the best Canadian forwards in the NHL.
DH: Do you have any spare change?
MTM: What has happened to you? Let me buy you some food and a drink.
DH: I don’t want your food. I need money for cocai…. I mean yeah food.
MTM: Why are you here? I mean in BC I mean.
DH: I came to BC after I first met Zack Parise. He came to the Wild, as you probably know, walked into a players meeting, slapped me and said “This is my team now bitch”. No one on the team likes me anyways so I looked for another team to tryout with. Vancouver seemed logical so I came here. Once the NHL locked us out I ran out of money and now I can’t get home.
MTM: You signed a huge multimillion dollar contract only a few years back. What happened to your money?
DH: Cocaine man. Nothing but blow. During the offseason they don’t do drug testing so I use that to my advantage. I basically live off of scraps during the hockey season so I can have a couple of months to not sleep and bang hookers.
MTM: You look like you haven’t slept in months.
DH: Last night was really rough. I got into a bar fight after I picked up a girl who wound up being a guy. I stuck my hand down “her” pants, flipped out and then he punched me in the face. That’s when I realized I was in a bar called Celebrities and apparently it’s a gay bar. I was so high I didn’t realize what was happening.
MTM: Don’t you have any friends here? Other players that can give you a hand?
DH: Obviously you don’t know me that well. Nobody likes me. Not even a small bit. I don’t know why, maybe it’s due to my excessive alcoholism and drug addiction. Maybe it’s my penchant for hookers and blow.
MTM: What about your family?
DH: They all live in Germany and won’t accept my collect calls.
MTM: That still doesn’t explain why you were at jury duty here in new west.
DH: I thought that it was a gathering of alcoholics and was hoping to get some cookies and coffee.
MTM: I wish I could help you more man. I’ll give you the cash in my wallet and buy you a meal if you’ll accept it.
DH: Just leave. I’m a grown ass man and I can find my own way home.
MTM: Fine be that way. Hockey is better off without you.
(I phone Cory Schneider to give him a progress report, and he tells me to phone Gillis directly, as he said he was bathing in champagne with his lady. Gillis told me to come to his office)
(30 minutes later in Gillis’ office I explain to him what I learned with Dany)
Mike Gillis: Your next assignment is in Toronto. Here is your information and tickets (he hands me an envelope). Inside is bonus cash and a new phone. Now get the fuck out.
Wow what a long day. I’m tired. I’m on a plane first thing tomorrow to Toronto. This is getting weird and can’t help but think that I’m being setup for something.