(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Alex Edler 03-19-2012

Thanks to an 8 hour flight, a nap courtesy of stolichnya, and a job with the Vancouver Canucks writing staff, I find myself in Minnesota for the second time in a month and half. Its very warm here today. A nice and comfortable 25 degrees celsius.

The last time I was here I met an amazing person in Bret Hedican, formerly of the Vancouver Canucks. You can read that here.Poor guy, I left him in dire straights. Anyways onto my story. I decided to walk around the streets, to my not amazement the city was very grey and boring, much the same as it was when I was last here. I go into the same starbucks I was at before and see Mr Alex Edler.

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MattTheMascot: Hi Alex, I’m Matt. I’m the newest writer for the Canucks. Can I bug you for a few minutes?

Alex Edler: Sure. Let me fix my beautiful blonde hair.

MTM: This isn’t a televised interview.

AE: These things do not matter.

MTM: Right. So you had a very nice goal in the last game against the Blue Jackets, are you going to try doing that more often?

AE: Only if my hair looks better. I saw the replay and my hair was coming out of my helmet a bit. Totally ruined it.

MTM: Regardless a lot of people were very impressed. What inspired you to make that play?

AE: Well the twins are always bugging me, saying I’m slow and have bad hair. So I wanted to make them look bad. They look bad all the time, they don’t even have nice hair to judge me with.

MTM: How long do you it will be before a shampoo company makes you there spokesman?

AE: I already have one in Sweden. Its called “Begravning föräldrar”. I look very nice in the commercial.

MTM: I was making a joke. You talk about your hair too much.

AE: Says the fat man with balding spots. In Sweden people are not allowed to get fat. We send them to fat camps in Norway. Where they are very mean and make you put together Ikea furniture.

MTM: There are worse things in the world.

AE: But they don’t let you bring hair products and they make you eat meatballs. We do eat things other than meatballs you know.

MTM: What’s your starbucks drink?

AE: I got a venti caffe latte no whip no fat misto one pump caramel one pump vanilla.

MTM: Why does that not surprise me.

AE: Why are you being so ignorant? Why don’t you bow down before me. He who has godly hair. He who can skate as fast as the wind.

MTM: He who has trouble defending his own end, also know as doing your job as a defenceman?

AE: You worm. How dare you!

(He reaches into his hair and pulls out a small dagger. No bigger than two inches long it has a green emerald in its handle.)

(He is about to swing at me, but a hand grabs his wrist. Henrik Sedin twists his wrist causing the dagger to fall)

Henrik Sedin: My apologies friend. Alex here is unable to take criticism.

AE: Sorry master. My anger blinded me.

HS: Don’t let it happen again.

(Henrik walks away)

AE: I’m sorry. My hair, it has a mind of its own. It controls me sometime.

MTM: You were going to stab me! I’m sorry? That’s all your going to say?

AE: I can give you money or something. Here have some Swedish Tire Kronas.

MTM: Swedish Tire?

AE: You know, its like Canadian tire but in Sweden.

MTM: Forget it. I’m finished here.

AE: Come on friend don’t be angry. Ill give you some shampoo then!

MTM: FUCK OFF!

—————————————————

I leave the starbucks and go head down to the arena. My media pass was rejected. And then Ryan Kesler threw a banana peel at me.

Can today get any worse?

@mattthemascot

Photos courtesy ofnhl.com

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  1. The Interviews….. « Matt The Mascot - October 19, 2012

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