Archive | May 2012

Hockey Cards: Nostalgia Revisited

Hockey Cards: Nostalgia Revisited
This is a another new feature that will get updated whenever I feel like it.
This morning while going to get some bread at the ole Wal-Mart, I found 2 things that caught my eye. One of them was that Sidney Crosby was still on my bread packaging. Which for some reason drives me ballistic.

And the other was a package of Vancouver Canucks team cards from the beginning of the 2010-11 season. Naturally I was intrigued, seeing how I’m a sucker for Canucks crap. On the back it gave a list of players included.

Hank and Dank of course among them, Luongo and Schneiderman, Kesler and Burrows and even Slammin Sami Salo. But also the likes of Darcy Hordichuk and Christian Ehrhoff. I couldn’t help but notice the late great Rick “Stone Fist” Rypien as well. I have decided to share some of the cards of those who are not with us anymore. As we face palm some of the signings of our GM’s, I will share some info on the back of the cards and then some up to date stuff about them.

Rick Rypien – Born 5/16/84 passed on 8/15/2011. Shoots right, Weight 190 height 5’11”

As the entire Canuck nation knows, Rick had been battling some inner demons such as depression for his whole life. He wound up taking his own life due to this. His friend and teammate Kevin Bieksa, has started Mindcheck.ca. A place where people of all walks of life can find information on how to help themselves and people close to them affected by mental illness.

On the back of the card : “Rypien has played junior, minor league and NHL hockey within his native Canada. He closed his American Hockey League career after four seasons with the Manitoba Moose in which he scored 16 goals and added 21 assists for 37 points in 105 games.”

I strongly urge everyone to visit Mindcheck.ca and promote the information within. Mental Illness is prevalent in today’s world, please help end it.

Evan Oberg – Born 2/16/88 Shoots left, weight 165, height 6’

Who? Yeah not many people remember him. Because he wasn’t very good at defense, he was small (only 165 pounds) and ill guess he smelled bad. On February 28, 2011, Oberg, along with a third round pick in the 2013 NHL Entry Draft, was traded to the Florida Panthers, for left winger Chris “Abs” Higgins. He is currently playing with the Norfolk Admirals of the AHL as a prospect for the Tampa Bay Lightning of the NHL. He still has 0 points, 0 PIM, and has played 7 NHL games.

On the back of the card: “Oberg’s skates touched NHL ice for the first time in 2009-10 as he appeared in two games for Vancouver, including a 7-3 win vs. Calgary in the April 10 regular-season finale. He spent most of the season at Manitoba in the AHL, leading all Moose defensemen with 26 points. “

Christian Ehrhoff – Born 7/6/82 Shoots left, weight 205, height 6’2”

The once mighty, how you have fallen. For those of you who know me, which is very few, you know I was not a fan of his while he was here in Vancouver. Yes I thought his offensive talents were great, his skating was superb. But he was a liability in his own end and I spent more time yelling at my TV because of him than any other Canuck. He currently plays for the Buffalo Sabres of the NHL . This was due to his negotiating rights traded from Vancouver to the New York Islanders in exchange for a fourth-round pick in the 2012 NHL Entry Draft, where he was a cry baby and refused to sign and play, and was subsequently traded away again the next day to the Sabres. What a baby…

On the back of the card: ”Team success has followed Ehrhoff at every stop, *(editors note: it hasn’t really) as he has played for two of the western conference’s best teams in San Jose and Vancouver. He has made the post season in each of his five seasons *(editors note: haha sucker) and already has 50 Stanley Cup playoff games and 22 points under his belt.”

Darcy Hordichuk: Born 8/10/80 shoots left, weight 215, height 6’1”

This guy is a clown. Why he even has a job still I don’t know. He was recently seen infuriating Edmonton Oiler fans last season. “Hordi” was traded for a guy who didn’t even play a game with the Canucks, that’s a shitty thing, too bad you deserved it clown. During the 2011 off-season, Hordichuk vowed to abuse the Sedin twins the next time he played against the Canucks. When the Oilers and Canucks met on October 15, 2011, Hordichuk injured his knee taking a run at Canuck defenseman Keith Ballard, who threw a last-minute hip check at the charging Hordichuk. This hit temporarily ended Hordichuk’s season. Another reason to love Ballard and hate Hordichuk.

On the back of the card: ”One of the tougher players in the league *(editors note: hahahahaha) Hordichuk has long been a protector of his teammates. During the last 10 NHL seasons , he has 112 fighting majors, the third most in the league behind Jody Shelley (155) and Ian Laperriere (144). He dropped the gloves 19 times in 2001-02.”

Sergei Shirokov : Born 3/10/86 shoots right, weight 195, height 5’10”

He was one that I felt got away. Originally a great prospect, he failed to impress the brass on the NHL level. He is currently with HC CSKA Moscow of the Kontinental Hockey League (KHL). His rights were traded for “buzzin” Mike Duco from the Florida Panthers. He recently won a gold medal as part of team Russia at the world championship.
On the back of the card: ”Before his six game stint with Vancouver in 2009-10 Shirokov was busy playing hockey on both sides of the globe. In his last year with CSKA Moscow in Moscow, he scored 34 points in 57 games. Then, he was second on the Manitoba Moose (AHL) in 2009-10 with 45 points.”

Mikael Samuelsson: Born 12/23/76 shoots right, weight 213, height 6’2”

The Triple Gold Club member won a Stanley cup with Detroit in 2008, and when he played in Vancouver he was the veteran that made a lot of great things happen for the team on and off the ice. Famous for being blown off of team Sweden’s 2010 Olympic hockey team, and then stating “I pretty much have one comment and maybe I’ll regret it. But they can go fuck themselves,” referring to the brass behind team Sweden. His first season in Vancouver he netted 30 goals in the regular season and 7 in one playoff series alone against the Los Angeles Kings. He was traded to the Florida Panthers along with fellow veteran forward Marco Sturm for forwards David Booth and Steven Reinprecht, as well as a 3rd round pick in the 2013 NHL draft.

On the back of the card ” In Vancouver’s first round victory against the Kings in the 2010 playoffs, Samuelsson was the key offensive contributor for the Canucks. He registered at least one goal in each of the first five games, finishing the series with team highs in goals (7) points(11) and plus minus (plus8).”

As an added bonus, look at Dan Hamhuis and Keith Ballard before they got their Canucks uniforms on. So ridiculous.

@mattthemascot

Advertisements

Why I hate shopping

I am in a select, somewhat unique group when it comes to shopping. While most men I know dislike shopping to begin with, the fact of the matter is that being an awkward, overweight, nerdy sports loving metal head makes my life hell when it comes to buying things for myself.

How hard is it to buy jeans? Not that difficult. If you are under 200 pounds and have a deep wallet. If your above that threshold, and have a stingy hand holding a debit card, well your options are further limited. Toss in the fact that years of being a closed in hermit who hates sunlight and the human race, results are generally very poor.

Note to sales people of the world. Don’t try and show me a pair of $225 pair of jeans as a first option. I would rather shove a porcupine the wrong way up where the sun don’t shine than pay that much for a pair of jeans. Seriously, my mind was made up that something that covers my legs from the atmosphere and environment would be a very easy thing for me to buy. I scoff at how many ridiculous people buy expensive things just because someone else from somewhere else thinks their product is worth a retarded amount of money. (Yeah yeah I want an iphone just because its an iphone. Shove it)

I don’t know if its in big neon letters above my head when I walk into a place that I’m out of touch with, but somehow sales people have a way of sniffing me out of their stores if I don’t belong. I’ve never been in a clothing store other than the rock shop in downtown vancouver where I haven’t felt awkward. Maybe its paranoia. Maybe I’m just childish and refuse to grow up. Maybe because thinking of wearing a polo shirt, khaki shorts and sandals makes me want to vomit.

I know I have no fashion sense. That’s why I wish it was still the 80’s where I could just wear a band tee and jeans and feel normal. My version of dressing up includes pants. A button up shirt and dress pants required for my job is like torture. I overheat, long sleeve button up shirts are like ovens to me. Short sleeve button up shirts just look retarded, period.

Buying a jacket was a nightmare too. All I wanted was something that was thin and didn’t have bright flashy circus style colors. Didn’t want a huge logo on it either. Well its impossible. Even in Metrotown, with its 60,000 stores, it was impossible. I’m also prejudiced though. I won’t go into a place that resembles a douchebags r’us, or anything that has a tiger on the outside of the wall. If you have fedora’s on your wall, I won’t go near your door. And if your fortunate enough to have doors blocking said fedora’s, as soon as I see them I’m turning around the other way. Also, if your sales associate is wearing white sunglasses around his neck or a hat period, ill just leave.

I’m cheap. I come by it honestly. Through blood lines that come from the United Kingdom, I refuse to over pay for anything. If I can go to old navy and pay $30 for jeans instead of 60 at the gap, I will. If I can switch a label without anyone noticing, damn rights I will. I know how shopping shysters get away with confusing sales people. My problem is that I can’t stand talking to people face to face. If I could go through the shopping world without having to talk to a sales person that thinks less of me because I’m “portly”, then maybe I wouldn’t feel more comfortable in toys r’us buying something for my upcoming halloween costume than in your ed hardy selling, overpriced and moronic store.

Bottom line, no fedoras, no white sunglasses.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

@mattthemascot

Sources Say What?

This is a new feature that will get updated whenever I feel like it.
My sources tell me a lot of things, from NHL news to Current events going on in the world.
I am also going to let you in on a few of my sources identities.
This week sources are brought to you by this guy;

And Oscar the Grouch.

Now it was TSN’s own James Duthie that inspired this line of events

That Jimmy, he’s a hard one to keep track of, Oscar got me that one.

Don Cherry, you bad bad man. Oscar

Old Scottish Bob, aka The Hockey God re-incarnated loves his Timmy’s. Fat dude hooked me up on that one.

Poor Mason Raymond, he can’t catch a break. S/t Oscar

Wayne is so pissed off at his daughter, that he decided to take out his rage on his arch rival’s prodigy.
Thanks Fat guy.

Vancouver is hoping for Weber to win this for two very obvious reasons. 1 everyone hates Zdeno a lot more than Raymond, and 2 DUH we want to win the Shea Weber sweepstakes in the coming months.
Another Fat Guy hook up.

Poor Tim Thomas, suffered the same fate as his Stanley cup opponents of last year, he was spied on by Oscar the Grouch.

The Montreal Canadiens are screwed, Patrick Roy won’t even go near them. The fat guy is French, and is Roy’s cousin that their family is embarrassed about.

Marty as his friends call him, loves his pancakes. Dustin Penner‘s wife is his personal chef.
Oscar ate the leftovers.

Roberto has made quite the splash lately, distracting teams right out of the playoffs. Oscar

And we are all happy about that…………… The fat guy loves Edward, had to throw him under the bus.

Mr. Doughty can’t wait to win the Stanley cup, even he’s getting antsy and planning the parade at the School for Autism where he grew up. Oscar ate his garbage as a child.

Wow. Fat guy is also a hacker and a fetish freak himself.

Oscar is so good at spying; Charlie sheen thinks he’s a bag of marijuana.

The Fat Guy applied, but didn’t get it. He’s very mad.

Could have fooled me.

Yet again, could have fooled me. Phoenix has one of the lowest season ticket holder shares, so most of their “fans” are travelling college kids and everyone’s grandparents.

Poor CoHo, I don’t think Gary Roberts allows him out of the house too much. He got loose once and won’t be let out again. Oscar the grouch can travel through the sewers, he saw Cody at the drunk tank.

No idea where @Hamhuishipcheck gets her sources from, but sounds solid.

Ovi the conqueror shares a love of bunnies with my fat guy. Its weird I know.
And finally

That one was an email from my lawyer. Yeesh Prongy must be cranky.
@mattthemascot