Archive | Rants RSS for this section

Hockey Calls

This cold tuesday morning, just after getting my fake sportscentre updates and watching the latest episode of Epic Meal Time, I received a phone call from an employee from the Abbotsford Heat front office. He received my private information from LiveNation.com. Thats not a great way to conduct business there LiveNation. But thats not what this is about. What this is about is the state of current hockey affairs.

The reason they phoned is because the Heat are desperate for repeat customers seeing how they have some of the worst attendances in their league (AHL). So he talked some bs and then offered discounts with his personal information. Desperate much? With the lockout the Heat’s attendance has gone DOWN! What the hell people? Harrison Mooney and his tight pants cant do it all himself! I have been attending the local BCHL team here The Surrey Eagles. Its great hockey. The arena is cold. Beer is cheap. They have a very friendly mascot for your kids. Same with Abbotsford.

Please support your local hockey team folks. They need it. Screw the lockout. Fuck the NHL. I still dont believe a season will happen so go hang out at your local rink. They will be happy you came.

@mattthemascot

Now you care?

This is not for the faint of heart and easily offended.

Im a volatile and angry person to begin with and this weeks exploits have pushed me to an edge.

This topic is of suicide and how a particular teen has brought this into the forefront once more.

——————————————————————————————

Now you care?

A young woman in a suburban setting offs herself and now you care?

People have mental problems all over the globe and now you care?

The entire downtown core of Vancouver is filled with homeless who have mental problems and now all of a sudden you care?

If one of them committed suicide would you care?

No you wouldn’t you hypocritical pieces of shit.

If a “suicide bomber” in Iraq kills himself because hes sad and the media proclaims him a terrorist, would you give a shit?

No because all of society feels that if you don’t like a photo on facebook claiming to support this newest trend, you aren’t a decent human being.

Get this… NEWS FLASH!

Suicide is a huge problem and is happening everyday all over the world, but NOW you care because some little girl was sad.

I hope you ignorant people of the world choke and die if this is news to you. If you didn’t think mental illness and suicide was a problem before you need to open your eyes and stop being such an idiot.

Don’t give me this “now im really sad for this person I didn’t know” crap. Because your not. Your falling victim to a trend of media propaganda.

Don’t take this the wrong way…. I support your decisions to support mental illness. Its just the fact of now you care?

Replacement Media Fun

With the recent NHL lockout, the blogosphere has been forced to live on even more meager means that before. That being said, most of the bloggers who do this for a living are less biased and more truthful when it comes to sports than most local sports writers.

They are also more compassionate because most are doing it for the love of the sport or just for fun. Not for ratings, not for view counts, and certainly not for money because yeah, there really isn’t much to go around out there.

With all the MSM vs Blogosphere hoohah going around, I thought it would be fun to create a list of Replacement Media personnel. The following is not necessarily a jab at certain TV anchors / personalities, but is also a direct stab at some.

There are far too many good bloggers in Vancouver alone to get everyone in this small piece, let alone Canada and the rest of the world, so I went with a route of locals of Vancouver and followers of my favorite teams.

Not only is Wyatt the Stanchion doing a fake sportscentre with crazy hair and nervous twitches, but he and fellow Legion of Blog blogger (sigh) Jordan Bowman are a tag team that could lead the country’s top sports news program.

Marda Miller aka Burrows Girl and Cam Davie aka The Tinfoil Toque could be their opposite night agents, lending expertise, veteran leadership, and massive amounts of twitter followers.

Thomas Drance and Cam Charron may both be in Toronto but both hold love for our local and nationwide sports. Numbers are their game and no one does it better.

For those of you who don’t know who Greg Wyshynski is, shame on you, well if you read hockey blogs that is. A guru in the game, he is a must read/listen/twitter follow.

My boys Brown to Bure aka Dave Wells and Mitch (no idea what your last name is) are two young guys shappin their way through the world one tweet at a time.

And I actually compared myself to Nick Kypreos, because no one really likes me, I just force my way into other peoples important conversations like I actually know what I’m talking about…..

Too many bloggers to mention, but they people at Canucks Army, Pass it to Bulis, The Backhand Shelf, Puck Daddy, Nucks Misconduct, Legion of Blog and countless other independent blogs are vital to our game, so support them via twitter or read the blogs. Some of them actually make a living from these.

@mattthemascot

Goodbye Maple Place

The experience of moving to a new place of living can be a dream, or a nightmare. For some of us, we get to upgrade, while others are forced out to other more meager dwellings. I was fortunate to move up on the scale while moving away from a current hell hole called Maple Place. I have made a poem concluding my move out of that surrey dump, of which I am going to share with you.

Goodbye Maple place
-I wish to never return except to see the friends I have met

Goodbye annoying people always wanting to touch and caress my dog
-Stop that, it’s weird

Goodbye bin divers at 4 am
-It’s too early to stir around the smell of garbage, you stink

Goodbye heaters that never work in the winter time
-We really hope the next people take you to court over them

Goodbye mysterious hole in the bathroom wall
-I tried not to look at, it was creepy

Goodbye terrible water pressure and shatty plumbing as a whole
-Never understood plumbing or I would have fixed it myself

Goodbye horrible maintenance and cleaning staff
-I used to see how long it would be in between vacuuming and floor washing, sometimes up to three weeks.

Goodbye terrible drug addicted neighbors who stay up till 4 am every day
-Your d-bags and will get yours one day

Goodbye weird people with dogs (Mike and Melissa you guys are great this doesn’t apply to you)
-Just because you have a dog doesn’t mean I want to talk to you at all.

Goodbye weird guy who has a “Neverland Bookmobile”
-Michael Jackson is going to meet you in hell, South Park Chicken Fucker Part 2

Goodbye bed bug infestation.
-Oh yeah new tenants…… about that

In conclusion, I hope the good people who live there find a way out soon. For the rest of you, stay and rot for all I care.

@mattthemascot

Why I hate shopping

I am in a select, somewhat unique group when it comes to shopping. While most men I know dislike shopping to begin with, the fact of the matter is that being an awkward, overweight, nerdy sports loving metal head makes my life hell when it comes to buying things for myself.

How hard is it to buy jeans? Not that difficult. If you are under 200 pounds and have a deep wallet. If your above that threshold, and have a stingy hand holding a debit card, well your options are further limited. Toss in the fact that years of being a closed in hermit who hates sunlight and the human race, results are generally very poor.

Note to sales people of the world. Don’t try and show me a pair of $225 pair of jeans as a first option. I would rather shove a porcupine the wrong way up where the sun don’t shine than pay that much for a pair of jeans. Seriously, my mind was made up that something that covers my legs from the atmosphere and environment would be a very easy thing for me to buy. I scoff at how many ridiculous people buy expensive things just because someone else from somewhere else thinks their product is worth a retarded amount of money. (Yeah yeah I want an iphone just because its an iphone. Shove it)

I don’t know if its in big neon letters above my head when I walk into a place that I’m out of touch with, but somehow sales people have a way of sniffing me out of their stores if I don’t belong. I’ve never been in a clothing store other than the rock shop in downtown vancouver where I haven’t felt awkward. Maybe its paranoia. Maybe I’m just childish and refuse to grow up. Maybe because thinking of wearing a polo shirt, khaki shorts and sandals makes me want to vomit.

I know I have no fashion sense. That’s why I wish it was still the 80’s where I could just wear a band tee and jeans and feel normal. My version of dressing up includes pants. A button up shirt and dress pants required for my job is like torture. I overheat, long sleeve button up shirts are like ovens to me. Short sleeve button up shirts just look retarded, period.

Buying a jacket was a nightmare too. All I wanted was something that was thin and didn’t have bright flashy circus style colors. Didn’t want a huge logo on it either. Well its impossible. Even in Metrotown, with its 60,000 stores, it was impossible. I’m also prejudiced though. I won’t go into a place that resembles a douchebags r’us, or anything that has a tiger on the outside of the wall. If you have fedora’s on your wall, I won’t go near your door. And if your fortunate enough to have doors blocking said fedora’s, as soon as I see them I’m turning around the other way. Also, if your sales associate is wearing white sunglasses around his neck or a hat period, ill just leave.

I’m cheap. I come by it honestly. Through blood lines that come from the United Kingdom, I refuse to over pay for anything. If I can go to old navy and pay $30 for jeans instead of 60 at the gap, I will. If I can switch a label without anyone noticing, damn rights I will. I know how shopping shysters get away with confusing sales people. My problem is that I can’t stand talking to people face to face. If I could go through the shopping world without having to talk to a sales person that thinks less of me because I’m “portly”, then maybe I wouldn’t feel more comfortable in toys r’us buying something for my upcoming halloween costume than in your ed hardy selling, overpriced and moronic store.

Bottom line, no fedoras, no white sunglasses.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

@mattthemascot

Sources Say What?

This is a new feature that will get updated whenever I feel like it.
My sources tell me a lot of things, from NHL news to Current events going on in the world.
I am also going to let you in on a few of my sources identities.
This week sources are brought to you by this guy;

And Oscar the Grouch.

Now it was TSN’s own James Duthie that inspired this line of events

That Jimmy, he’s a hard one to keep track of, Oscar got me that one.

Don Cherry, you bad bad man. Oscar

Old Scottish Bob, aka The Hockey God re-incarnated loves his Timmy’s. Fat dude hooked me up on that one.

Poor Mason Raymond, he can’t catch a break. S/t Oscar

Wayne is so pissed off at his daughter, that he decided to take out his rage on his arch rival’s prodigy.
Thanks Fat guy.

Vancouver is hoping for Weber to win this for two very obvious reasons. 1 everyone hates Zdeno a lot more than Raymond, and 2 DUH we want to win the Shea Weber sweepstakes in the coming months.
Another Fat Guy hook up.

Poor Tim Thomas, suffered the same fate as his Stanley cup opponents of last year, he was spied on by Oscar the Grouch.

The Montreal Canadiens are screwed, Patrick Roy won’t even go near them. The fat guy is French, and is Roy’s cousin that their family is embarrassed about.

Marty as his friends call him, loves his pancakes. Dustin Penner‘s wife is his personal chef.
Oscar ate the leftovers.

Roberto has made quite the splash lately, distracting teams right out of the playoffs. Oscar

And we are all happy about that…………… The fat guy loves Edward, had to throw him under the bus.

Mr. Doughty can’t wait to win the Stanley cup, even he’s getting antsy and planning the parade at the School for Autism where he grew up. Oscar ate his garbage as a child.

Wow. Fat guy is also a hacker and a fetish freak himself.

Oscar is so good at spying; Charlie sheen thinks he’s a bag of marijuana.

The Fat Guy applied, but didn’t get it. He’s very mad.

Could have fooled me.

Yet again, could have fooled me. Phoenix has one of the lowest season ticket holder shares, so most of their “fans” are travelling college kids and everyone’s grandparents.

Poor CoHo, I don’t think Gary Roberts allows him out of the house too much. He got loose once and won’t be let out again. Oscar the grouch can travel through the sewers, he saw Cody at the drunk tank.

No idea where @Hamhuishipcheck gets her sources from, but sounds solid.

Ovi the conqueror shares a love of bunnies with my fat guy. Its weird I know.
And finally

That one was an email from my lawyer. Yeesh Prongy must be cranky.
@mattthemascot

Trimming the fat

Trimming the fat

You’re all by now aware that our Canucks are eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs. At this moment every arm chair Power Play Specialist from Vancouver to Toronto and beyond are “thinking what needs to be done?” This is my entry to the most major debate of the Vancouver blogosphere, “Rebuild or upgrade?”

This offseason will be significant for many reasons.
1 What to do about coaching
2 What to do about goaltending
3 What to do about management
4 What to do about forwards
5 What to do about defence

1 What to do about coaching

Alain Vigneault

Exiting this playoff series has many skeptics believing Alain Vigneault will be fired. Many people are morons. Alain Vigneault is a wizard, a master. Its not his fault his team has brain farts. But it was up to him to smack around some dead weight, which he didn’t do.
If Gillis does fire him, which he would be stupid to, Craig Mactavish, current head of the Canucks AHL affiliate, The Chicago Wolves will more than likely replace him on the bench. The last man to not wear a helmet in the NHL, Craig Mactavish comes with clout. He has four Stanley Cup rings to his credit, hes a checking center who scored some clutch goals and was pretty decent on the draws. His skills could improve the likes of Manny Malhotra and Samme Pahlsson , who both had a rough year.

2 What to do about goaltending

Cory Schneider and Roberto Luongo

The Meat and Potatoes of it all is all about the goalies. Cory Schneider and Roberto Luongo are both damn good, the problem is, like Alain, the Canucks have brain farts around both of them too. And even more around my precious Bobby Lu, he looks to be the man out. The media and fans will soon drive Schneider to his limit and want to leave to as well.
Both of them have trade potential, Luongo less due to contract and reputation. Schneider is younger cheaper and could get bounties of offers as “the best backup” in the NHL. Schneidz is an RFA and depending on the offer, we could be rich like oil drillers in texas.

3 What to do about management

Mike Gillis

Mike Gillis is the future. And nothing will make me more upset than firing Gillis. No one would be able to fit those shoes. Fire him at your own caution Aquilini Investment Group.

4 What to do about forwards

All of them are on the hook. Couldn’t help out their goaltenders. Henrik Sedin scored the most goals. Nuff Said. Cut Raymond. Goodbye. Keep Booth. Ditch Kassian in the AHL,. My wish list to stay include Booth, Higgins, Lapierre, Burrows, Hansen. Palhsson didn’t work like I wanted him to. Call up Reinprecht from the Wolves and give him the shot he deserves. Our Wolves are good in the AHL for call ups.

5 What to do about defence

As much as I harp on Edler, the kids got skill. Don’t be surprised if he goes the way of the Ehrhoff and jumps ship. He has way less will power than Hamhuis and isn’t as strong as Juice.

The defense is fine. Leave them as is. Ballard and Tanev are keeping the ship afloat. Find someone for Edler to play with, because the poor man terminator Sami Salo should rest after this hard stretch. Probably his last.

@mattthemascot