(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Brendan Morrison 1-30-2012
Thanks to an ill mannered and foul smelling cab driver, a pig farmer and some other creative travel measures, I have arrived in my next city upon my way home, Chicago Illinois. Home of Hot Dogs, Al Capone and the nefarious Chicago Blackhawks.
I am deep within enemy territory and have wandered into a bar named Gibsons, where my favorite show, The League is partially filmed. As I’m drinking a nice frothy Guinness, I look to my right in a booth, and who do I see, but the newest Blackhawk and former Vancouver Canuck, Brendan Morrison.
MattTheMascot: Hey Brendan! My name is Matt, and I am an independent news source based out of Vancouver. Can I have a moment of your time?
Brendan Morrison: Sure I’m in, just buy me a Bourbon on the rocks.
(I flag down a waiter, order his drink but I make it a double)
MTM: I’m very glad to have stumbled into this bar seeing you in here. I have to say you were undoubtedly one of my favorite Canucks players of all time.
BMo: Its always a pleasure meeting people from Vancouver out and about.
(Waiter arrives and puts the drink on the table)
MTM: The pleasure is all mine. Tell me what are you looking forward to now that you are playing for your former enemy?
BMo: When I played for the Canucks, the rivalry was just beginning and we didn’t have the same vigor that these guys have for each other now. It was always more of a Colorado thing.
MTM: Speaking of Colorado, I ran into Todd Bertuzzi in Detroit. He always speaks highly of you. What do you miss about him being your line mate?
BMo: Ah man it was the bitches. They would line up for him for days. Bad ass italian stallion he was.
MTM: Your both married, with children. Whatever. What are you not going to miss about playing in Calgary?
BMo: Aside from the retarded weather, the country music and cowboy hats, I’d say Jay Feaster the Flames GM. Guy is a complete moron.
(I flag the waiter, I order four more doubles, this is getting good already)
MTM: What do you think can save the Flames this season?
BMo: Hah, a lot more than Feaster can do. I don’t know, get a better goaltender and throw away a very tall not named defenceman.
MTM: I think that might help but truth be told, I’d rather see the Flames burn in hell. Pardon the pun. I have to say, it hurts many a Canucks fan to think of you in that jersey.
BMo: Well I had a great time playing for the Canucks. But a change was needed. Especially for Bert. Damn asshole.
MTM: Whoa I thought you guys were tight?
BMo: Whatever that fuckin guy ruined a good thing. (Grabs a drink, downs it) The three of us were awesome. And he ruined it.
MTM: Its ok man, things happen. We just have to accept and move on. What would you like to see when you get to Vancouver tomorrow for the game?
BMo: Oh man I would love some BC Greenery. If you know what I’m saying. I miss that stuff.
MTM: You know weed is a banned substance in hockey and also illegal in both the US and Canada. How much do you smoke?
BMo: Oh man Ryan Kesler and I, over the summer, smoked almost an ounce in one day. It was EPIC.
MTM: What else have you done that might be considered “Not on the books”? I swear I won’t tell anyone.
(He grabs a drink in each hand, slams one then another)
BMo: Hey wait….. Just a minute……… I’ve seen you before?
MTM: Brendan its me Matt, I’ve been talking to you for the last few minutes.
BMo: I don’t like you. Your trying to get me into trouble aint yee………
MTM: You don’t have to talk and act like a pirate. I see you shouldn’t be drinking bourbon.
BMo: Why don’t I order…. you a glass of shut the fuck up?
MTM: I think you need to go home.
(He grabs the last drink, downs it right away)
BMo: I don’t have a home!
(He starts to cry, profusely)
MTM: Barkeep! Can you phone this guy a taxi? Ill pay for his drinks.
BMo: Will you be my friend?
MTM: Of course, of course.
Man Chicago is a crazy place. I need to get home. I tried to sneak on the plane with the Blackhawks, but Jonathan Toews isn’t even looking at my magic ruby. Ill just have to keep getting home via any other means. I cannot fly legally either, not having a passport.
Next stop is Minnesota. Maybe I can find more sympathy there. Not likely, seeing how its the home of super intelligent individuals such as Keith Ballard and Andrew Alberts.
Until next time………………
Pictures courtesy www.nhl.com