(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Brendan Morrison 1-30-2012

Thanks to an ill mannered and foul smelling cab driver, a pig farmer and some other creative travel measures, I have arrived in my next city upon my way home, Chicago Illinois. Home of Hot Dogs, Al Capone and the nefarious Chicago Blackhawks.

I am deep within enemy territory and have wandered into a bar named Gibsons, where my favorite show, The League is partially filmed. As I’m drinking a nice frothy Guinness, I look to my right in a booth, and who do I see, but the newest Blackhawk and former Vancouver Canuck, Brendan Morrison.


MattTheMascot: Hey Brendan! My name is Matt, and I am an independent news source based out of Vancouver. Can I have a moment of your time?

Brendan Morrison: Sure I’m in, just buy me a Bourbon on the rocks.

(I flag down a waiter, order his drink but I make it a double)

MTM: I’m very glad to have stumbled into this bar seeing you in here. I have to say you were undoubtedly one of my favorite Canucks players of all time.

BMo: Its always a pleasure meeting people from Vancouver out and about.

(Waiter arrives and puts the drink on the table)

MTM: The pleasure is all mine. Tell me what are you looking forward to now that you are playing for your former enemy?

BMo: When I played for the Canucks, the rivalry was just beginning and we didn’t have the same vigor that these guys have for each other now. It was always more of a Colorado thing.

MTM: Speaking of Colorado, I ran into Todd Bertuzzi in Detroit. He always speaks highly of you. What do you miss about him being your line mate?

BMo: Ah man it was the bitches. They would line up for him for days. Bad ass italian stallion he was.

MTM: Your both married, with children. Whatever. What are you not going to miss about playing in Calgary?

BMo: Aside from the retarded weather, the country music and cowboy hats, I’d say Jay Feaster the Flames GM. Guy is a complete moron.

(I flag the waiter, I order four more doubles, this is getting good already)

MTM: What do you think can save the Flames this season?

BMo: Hah, a lot more than Feaster can do. I don’t know, get a better goaltender and throw away a very tall not named defenceman.

MTM: I think that might help but truth be told, I’d rather see the Flames burn in hell. Pardon the pun. I have to say, it hurts many a Canucks fan to think of you in that jersey.

BMo: Well I had a great time playing for the Canucks. But a change was needed. Especially for Bert. Damn asshole.

MTM: Whoa I thought you guys were tight?

BMo: Whatever that fuckin guy ruined a good thing. (Grabs a drink, downs it) The three of us were awesome. And he ruined it.

MTM: Its ok man, things happen. We just have to accept and move on. What would you like to see when you get to Vancouver tomorrow for the game?

BMo: Oh man I would love some BC Greenery. If you know what I’m saying. I miss that stuff.

MTM: You know weed is a banned substance in hockey and also illegal in both the US and Canada. How much do you smoke?

BMo: Oh man Ryan Kesler and I, over the summer, smoked almost an ounce in one day. It was EPIC.

MTM: What else have you done that might be considered “Not on the books”? I swear I won’t tell anyone.

(He grabs a drink in each hand, slams one then another)

BMo: Hey wait….. Just a minute……… I’ve seen you before?

MTM: Brendan its me Matt, I’ve been talking to you for the last few minutes.

BMo: I don’t like you. Your trying to get me into trouble aint yee………

MTM: You don’t have to talk and act like a pirate. I see you shouldn’t be drinking bourbon.

BMo: Why don’t I order…. you a glass of shut the fuck up?

MTM: I think you need to go home.

(He grabs the last drink, downs it right away)

BMo: I don’t have a home!

(He starts to cry, profusely)

MTM: Barkeep! Can you phone this guy a taxi? Ill pay for his drinks.

BMo: Will you be my friend?

MTM: Of course, of course.


Man Chicago is a crazy place. I need to get home. I tried to sneak on the plane with the Blackhawks, but Jonathan Toews isn’t even looking at my magic ruby. Ill just have to keep getting home via any other means. I cannot fly legally either, not having a passport.

Next stop is Minnesota. Maybe I can find more sympathy there. Not likely, seeing how its the home of super intelligent individuals such as Keith Ballard and Andrew Alberts.

Until next time………………


Pictures courtesy www.nhl.com

The Next Episode! https://mattthemascot.wordpress.com/2012/02/08/fake-interviews-with-nhl-players-bret-hedican-2-6-2012/


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  1. The Interviews….. « Matt The Mascot - October 19, 2012

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