(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Brendan Morrison 1-30-2012

Thanks to an ill mannered and foul smelling cab driver, a pig farmer and some other creative travel measures, I have arrived in my next city upon my way home, Chicago Illinois. Home of Hot Dogs, Al Capone and the nefarious Chicago Blackhawks.

I am deep within enemy territory and have wandered into a bar named Gibsons, where my favorite show, The League is partially filmed. As I’m drinking a nice frothy Guinness, I look to my right in a booth, and who do I see, but the newest Blackhawk and former Vancouver Canuck, Brendan Morrison.

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MattTheMascot: Hey Brendan! My name is Matt, and I am an independent news source based out of Vancouver. Can I have a moment of your time?

Brendan Morrison: Sure I’m in, just buy me a Bourbon on the rocks.

(I flag down a waiter, order his drink but I make it a double)

MTM: I’m very glad to have stumbled into this bar seeing you in here. I have to say you were undoubtedly one of my favorite Canucks players of all time.

BMo: Its always a pleasure meeting people from Vancouver out and about.

(Waiter arrives and puts the drink on the table)

MTM: The pleasure is all mine. Tell me what are you looking forward to now that you are playing for your former enemy?

BMo: When I played for the Canucks, the rivalry was just beginning and we didn’t have the same vigor that these guys have for each other now. It was always more of a Colorado thing.

MTM: Speaking of Colorado, I ran into Todd Bertuzzi in Detroit. He always speaks highly of you. What do you miss about him being your line mate?

BMo: Ah man it was the bitches. They would line up for him for days. Bad ass italian stallion he was.

MTM: Your both married, with children. Whatever. What are you not going to miss about playing in Calgary?

BMo: Aside from the retarded weather, the country music and cowboy hats, I’d say Jay Feaster the Flames GM. Guy is a complete moron.

(I flag the waiter, I order four more doubles, this is getting good already)

MTM: What do you think can save the Flames this season?

BMo: Hah, a lot more than Feaster can do. I don’t know, get a better goaltender and throw away a very tall not named defenceman.

MTM: I think that might help but truth be told, I’d rather see the Flames burn in hell. Pardon the pun. I have to say, it hurts many a Canucks fan to think of you in that jersey.

BMo: Well I had a great time playing for the Canucks. But a change was needed. Especially for Bert. Damn asshole.

MTM: Whoa I thought you guys were tight?

BMo: Whatever that fuckin guy ruined a good thing. (Grabs a drink, downs it) The three of us were awesome. And he ruined it.

MTM: Its ok man, things happen. We just have to accept and move on. What would you like to see when you get to Vancouver tomorrow for the game?

BMo: Oh man I would love some BC Greenery. If you know what I’m saying. I miss that stuff.

MTM: You know weed is a banned substance in hockey and also illegal in both the US and Canada. How much do you smoke?

BMo: Oh man Ryan Kesler and I, over the summer, smoked almost an ounce in one day. It was EPIC.

MTM: What else have you done that might be considered “Not on the books”? I swear I won’t tell anyone.

(He grabs a drink in each hand, slams one then another)

BMo: Hey wait….. Just a minute……… I’ve seen you before?

MTM: Brendan its me Matt, I’ve been talking to you for the last few minutes.

BMo: I don’t like you. Your trying to get me into trouble aint yee………

MTM: You don’t have to talk and act like a pirate. I see you shouldn’t be drinking bourbon.

BMo: Why don’t I order…. you a glass of shut the fuck up?

MTM: I think you need to go home.

(He grabs the last drink, downs it right away)

BMo: I don’t have a home!

(He starts to cry, profusely)

MTM: Barkeep! Can you phone this guy a taxi? Ill pay for his drinks.

BMo: Will you be my friend?

MTM: Of course, of course.

—————————————————–

Man Chicago is a crazy place. I need to get home. I tried to sneak on the plane with the Blackhawks, but Jonathan Toews isn’t even looking at my magic ruby. Ill just have to keep getting home via any other means. I cannot fly legally either, not having a passport.

Next stop is Minnesota. Maybe I can find more sympathy there. Not likely, seeing how its the home of super intelligent individuals such as Keith Ballard and Andrew Alberts.

Until next time………………

@mattthemascot

Pictures courtesy www.nhl.com

The Next Episode! https://mattthemascot.wordpress.com/2012/02/08/fake-interviews-with-nhl-players-bret-hedican-2-6-2012/

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  1. The Interviews….. « Matt The Mascot - October 19, 2012

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