(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Willie Mitchell SEASON TWO10/17/2012
One chilly night in October, myself and several of Vancouver’s bloggers went to a charity hockey event called “Bieksa’s Buddies”. In this game, the focus was to have fun and to raise some money for local charities. The game was entertaining and made everyone in attendance forget that there was a lockout happening in the real hockey world.
After the game, a few of us stopped off for a drink at a campus pub called The Dirty Pit. We heard a ruckus in the corner and saw that it was none other than Kevin Bieksa and Willie Mitchell. Dan Hamhuis was in the booth beside them with Manny Malhotra. Being half cut and feeling ballsy, Wyatt and I went over to their tables and said hello.
MattTheMascot: Kevin! Hammer! Wow Willie Mitchell! Hi Manny…..
Manny Malhotra: You’re lucky I don’t destroy you in public.
Willie Mitchell: What am I missing here guys?
MTM: Well, maybe if you stiff lip jedi knew how to take a sarcastic joke, you wouldn’t try and cut me in half with your lightsaber.
WM: What? You’re a jedi? You’re hilarious.
The Stanchion: It’s true. I know all about the Canucks and their jedi powers.
(Manny looks at The Stanchion, waves his hand in face and says….)
MM: Wyatt go with your friend Kevin here, he wants to have a word with you.
STANCH: (eyes glazed over) Ok.
Dan Hamhuis: (looks at me) Hi Buddy! I’m going with Kevin. Byyyyyyeeeeeeee!!!!
(The other group leaves us)
WM: Are you kidding me? What’s really going on here?
MTM: Ok fine I’ll tell you. Just know that there are things that you may not understand.
(He nods, Manny is visibly twitching in anger)
MTM: I worked for the Canucks as an interviewer/columnist for a short period of time. I was able to make Manny here mad enough to try and cut me in half with a lightsaber, exposing his jedi craft at the same time. He was obviously distraught about it.
MM: You made me look like a fool! (He stands up, palms slam on the table) And one day I will have my revenge!
(Manny leaves the pub. Using his force powers he blows the doors open and zaps poor UBC mascot Thunderbird with force lightning, turning him into a giant smoking chicken)
WM: Wow you really pissed in his corn flakes…..
MTM: Tell me about it. Sorry I come with quite a bit of baggage. Anyways what made you come here for this game?
WM: Juice and I have been friends for a long time. He asked and I couldn’t say no.
MTM: Being a local guy who was a fan favorite, do you get recognized a lot here in Vancouver?
WM: Not as much as I would have thought. The people here forget fast and easily. Too much weed smoking and coffee drinking equals short attention spans.
MTM: If I just happened to have a joint with me would you blaze with me?
WM: I wish. I will admit I do miss it. But NHL drug testing would pick it up instantly. And I kind of like my job you know.
(He smiles, lifts his Stanley cup championship ring and kisses it)
MTM: Wow man. That looks like it’s worth more than my house.
WM: No you can’t touch it.
MTM: I wasn’t… I mean… Ok fine.
WM: So what’s your angle? Why are you here?
MTM: I’m just a regular everyday normal guy looking to shap it up with you man. What’s makes you think I have “an angle”?
WM: You know how Manny said he’s a jedi? Well I’m special too. I am reading your mind fool. (He taps his his left temple with his index finger)
MTM: You’re a funny guy….
WM: What does Mike Gillis see in you? If he wants information he is going to have to come with someone stronger than you.
MTM: I’m sorry Willie… I didn’t want to this but you leave me no choice.
WM: if you even think of using that taser you pulled out of your pocket I will scramble your brain like an omle…….
(I was fast and got close enough to graze him. He squirms a bit seems otherwise unfazed. So naturally I zap him again. He passes out and comes to a second later, confusion in his eyes)
WM: What happened? Why does my leg hurt?
MTM: Nothing happened. What are you talking about?
WM: Wait…. I can’t hear your thoughts, damn you tased me didn’t you? Electro shock is my kryptonite….
MTM: That’s my cue….
I ran out of the bar, as fast as my legs could carry me. I need to call Schneider, I need help. I haven’t told him about what happened in Toronto yet…..