(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Michael Cammalleri 02-27-12

Thanks to the Edmonton police, drunken oiler fans and a ride from a farmer in a truck that looks like has been covered rust for 60 years, I was delayed leaving edmonton and just arrived in Calgary.

I have been to calgary, so I know my way around. I make my way to the city center looking for a cheap place to stay. I stop by a bar on 5th street southwest, just looking for a quick drink. I grab a drink, sit down and realize Michael Cammalleri is right across the other table, looking pretty pissed off.

MattTheMascot: Hey Mike, my name is Matt. I’m a traveling journalist from Vancouver. Can I bug you for a few minutes?

Michael Cammalleri: Of course. Buy me a drink and I’m all ears.

MTM: What are you having?

MC: Cosmo, with two limes.

(I turn to the bartender, order his drink and grab myself a guinness)

MTM: Tough game tonight. Saw the highlights.

MC: Can I be honest with you?

(I nod)

MC: I fucking hate this team. I hate this town. I hate this situation period. Everything about it. I wanted out of here. I didn’t want to come back. I hate Bouwmeester. I want to stab that slow tree piece of shit.

MTM: Whoa, are you ok?

MC: I’m sorry. I don’t always mean the things I say. I don’t really want to stab Bows, I don’t like him but I don’t want to see him hurt.

MTM: Can I suggest something? Stop drinking that horrible drink and drink beer like a man. Have a guinness, I’ll get another one.

(Takes a drink, then slams half in one big gulp. A trace of the foam resides on his nose)

MC: Oh man this is great. Why did I ever drink those cosmos? I feel better already! I feel strong enough to rip a tree out of the ground!

MTM: I’m glad you enjoyed it. Have another one. Ill pay.

MC: I should warn you, when I drink, bad things can happen.

MTM: Like what? Like Hangover bad? Will Ferrell frank the tank old school bad?

MC: Keep on drinking with me and ill show you.

(I notice something about him, something looks different, like he is taller. And his shirt is tighter.)

MTM: Bartender two more guinness’ please! So Mike how hard was it for you coming back to calgary from montreal? Did you enjoy playing there?

MC: When I first got there it was fantastic, but then the fantasy of the franchise wore off. After a season and a half I was ready to go somewhere else. I am jewish and do not speak french, so the fans did not like me right away. I tried and they just spat at me. Dirty francophones.

(He slams the next guinness, and this time, I see his arm muscles ripple. His shirt stretches)

MTM: Are you ok? Somethings wrong, isn’t it?

MC: I told you, bad things happen when I drink.
(He smiles an evil smile. He grabs my guinness and again, grows in size. He has grown to about the size of a young arnold Schwarzenegger. He walks over to the bar, rips the beer tap handle and setup right off the bar, beer fountains into the air. He sticks his face into the spray of beer. His stature grows taller. His shirt rips and tears to shreds around his body. His skin turns red. Holy shit, he’s the red hulk!)

MTM: Fuck me, this isn’t going to end well.

MC: CAM SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!

(He picks up a table and throws it into the bar. The bar empties and women scream running out the door)

MTM: Mike! Don’t do anything crazy now. I can be your friend.

MC: Friend? (His face softens, as if remembering, then switches back to anger) CAM SMASH FAT MAN!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

(He throws a table at me, it shatters and knocks me to the ground)


Red Hulk aka Michael Cammalleri, smashes through the outside of the door. I hear sirens and sounds of a car flipping and crashing. Gunshots ring off in the street. A huge roar screams across the night, and then nothing. I pass out.

Sometime later I awaken to police officers asking if I’m ok. My leg is broken and I’m bleeding from head. I am rushed to the hospital but released the next day. I will stay at my cousins place until I am well enough to leave for home. I wonder if Bouwmeester is still alive…………

The next chapter!

Pictures courtesy of NHL.com,www.gabrielhardman.com


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  1. The Interviews….. « Matt The Mascot - October 19, 2012

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