Due to a Dan Hamhuis Stone Cold Stunner, a plane ride in a box and a rude drop off, I have awoke in Detroit Michigan with no memory of the past few days. I am very unfamiliar with my surroundings, of course i have never been to Detroit, and it smells really bad here. Wait, upon closer inspection its me that smells really bad.
I still hold my magic ruby that can hypnotize people, thankfully. With some trickery I can still access various places.
After wandering the mean streets of lower Detroit, i have found the practice arena of the Detroit Red Wings. I make my way inside and have come across a familiar face, former Vancouver Canuck power forward Todd Bertuzzi!
MattTheMascot: Hi Todd my name is Matt and i am an independent news outlet based out of Vancouver. Can i have a few minutes of your time?
Todd Bertuzzi: Sure, anything for a Vancouver traveler.
(He looks at me, puzzled)
TB: Everything ok? You don’t look so good.
MTM: Its a long story. Anyways on to my first question. How is it playing for the Red Wings? They are one of the greatest dynasties of the NHL era.
TB: Well uh, to be perfectly honest, I’ve never felt more at home. The whole organization, from the management to the players and the fans around us, there isn’t a better team in the league. We are a tight knit crew and most of us have been here for a few years now. A real sense of brotherhood and respect.
MTM: Wow that’s great to hear. What is the major difference in your eyes the difference between the cities of Vancouver and Detroit?
TB: Well uh, Detroit itself is an older city with more history, but with a lot of problems. Crime and what not. But the sports crowd here is amazing, competing with franchises like the Lions, Tigers and Pistons, we still have a fan base that adore us. Not that we didn’t in Vancouver, but here people respect us and allow us to eat in privacy and don’t try to get an autograph when I’m in the bathroom. I love a lot of the fans from Vancouver but they were a little bit uh, crazy to be blunt.
MTM: So what you are saying is that you like Detroit better than Vancouver?
TB: If it wasn’t uh, for the Vancouver fans I wouldn’t be the same person I am now. I had great times in Vancouver with Nazzy and those guys, but after the incident I just couldn’t stand to be around them. I miss the city but things changed, everyone looked at me differently there after the incident. I never meant for the end result and people assumed the worst.
MTM: I understand what you are saying, I remember that game as clear as crystal. And I know how the people of Vancouver are. What do you do now in your time away from hockey?
TB: Mostly I like gardening, and uh, playing with kittens.
TB: You got a problem with uh, that?
(His eyes narrow to a point that would make Mike Gillis uncomfortable)
MTM: No no, I’m perfectly fine with that. Anyways what is Niklas Lidstrom like?
TB: He is a leader in uh, all sense of the word. He was the one who gave me all my kittens and taught me how to build a garden. But he is always walking around with a handgun to keep us in line. And we are not allowed to talk to him outside of the rink. I think its because he’s a robot.
MTM: Everyone believes he is the modern day Terminator, the older he gets the better he plays.
TB: Don’t tell anyone I uh, told you this, but in his house there is a machine that gives him his super power. I snuck over one night and peeked in his window and saw a mad scientist looking guy connecting a wire into his chest. It was freaky!
MTM: Don’t worry your secret is safe with me.
(Heavy footsteps approach from behind)
TB: Oh no! He’s coming! Hide!
(I run into the players bathroom, not sure of what to think. I over hear a conversation between Todd and someone else)
TB: Hey Nik! I mean sir.
Niklas Lidstrom: Who were you talking to?
(His voice is mechanical and sounds demonic)
TB: No one sir! I swear!
NK: I heard more than one voice. You are lying to me Todd.
TB: No I swear!
(I hear a thump and heavy steps walking away)
Well that didn’t wind up going so well. I still have to find my way home. The closest big city is Chicago. Ill make my way there next. But first Ill need some money.
My adventure continues next week.
Due to a pair of glasses I stole from Trevor Linden, my skill in pushing people out of my way and a magic ruby that can hypnotize people, I have been given access to interview NHL players, officials and other media.
Today’s interview is the mighty and benevolent @Ryan_Kesler fresh off an on ice practice skate. He’s in a bad mood due to a few things that have been said off the ice. Once the rest of the media left him alone I spoke with the reigning Selke trophy winner.
MattTheMascot: Hi Ryan my name is Matt I am an independent news outlet. Can I have a few minutes of your time?
Ryan Kesler: Oh come on, I’ve already done a lot of interviews today. Fine make it short.
MTM: Great! First off I have to say that many people I know will be jealous that I got a chance to talk to you. It is quite an honor.
RK: Your welcome?
MTM: Whoa a little on edge tonight?
RK: Its an internal matter just don’t worry about it.
MTM: Was it AV’s calling you out to the reporters on your play as of late?
RK: He did what? No I’m pissed off because Booth fairy has a better tan than I do, Higgy has better abs than I do and Juice is playing god awful music in the dressing room. What did coach say?
MTM: He said your a lazy bum and your overrated. Oh and that CoHo has a better shot than you.
RK: That bastard! I’m going to activate hashtag-beastmode and show him a thing or two!
MTM: Did you just use a hashtag in an interview? You haven’t been tweeting too much lately. Except the fact that your won your fantasy football league. Poor Burrows, he’s knows that your talking about American Football not soccer right?
RK: Well he does now. Thought he would have learned that a striker isn’t a football position. He even drafted a goaltender. Hilarious!
MTM: I heard that you went on a diet and strict exercise regimen in order to pose for that nude issue. What did you do?
RK: I ate a bunch of twinkies and did 500 sit ups a day. Oh and I ate a lot of pizza.
MTM: I’m sure your strength and conditioning coach Roger Takahashi is thrilled about that. Maybe that’s the reason behind your play that’s causing your on ice issues.
RK: Well if your so smart, what do you recommend? Huh tough guy?
(Ryan pushes me hard, leaving a grease stain on my shirt)
MTM: Were you eating pizza again? Wash your hands man. I recommend a high protein high fiber diet with vitamin supplements. Lots of fish, lots of meat. Greens to help digest it all. Tons of water as well.
RK: But I’m sponsored by Faygo That’s my drink. If its not gatorade, red bull or cosmo’s then its faygo.
MTM: All right Insane Clown Posse, that’s the most disgusting drink on the planet. Ship that stuff back to 8 mile.
RK: What did you say to me?
MTM: Excuse me?
(Ryan pushes me, but little did I know Keith Ballard was behind my legs, tripping me)
Keith Ballard: Well well well. Lookie here. I remember you. You got me clubbed by Gillis’ body guards. I had to be put on the Press box list because of you.
RK: He was making fun of faygo.
KB: Dude what do you have against America?
MTM: Because I don’t like faygo I don’t like America. Right. By the way I also got knocked out that day.
RK: Was it Hammer?
MTM: Yeah and it was right after Gillis’ goons clubbed me.
RK: Did you have a Tim hortons gift certificate when you got up?
MTM: Yes as a matter of fact I did. What does that mean?
KB: It means nothing. He gave me peanuts the other day! Ooooh and his pogs!
RK: Keith, just leave.
(Keith storms away crying about something)
MTM: Now, seeing how that’s over I’d like to ask you one last thing.
MTM: Can you confirm the rumor of George Parros being traded to the Canucks?
RK: Go away. You suck.
(I turn around to exit the building when I see a familiar face)
Dan Hamhuis: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
(Dan kicks me in the stomach, then grabs my head as I’m bowled over, jumps and pulls my head down onto his shoulder, effectively pulling off the Stone Cold Stunner)
( I awake sometime later. I’m in a place I’ve never seen before. It smells of sugary syrup. I look around, there are small dwarves with purple skin. I have heard of these people before, the evil cousins of the oompa loompas, the purple mogwai midgets. I look at their name badges, and i realize where i am)
MTM: NOOOOO I’m in Detroits Faygo factory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stay tuned as my adventure continues!
Photo courtesy www.nhl.com
Due to the magic of teleportation, my skill in forgery and an 87$ suit from a less than reputable suit tailor, I have been given access to interview NHL players, officials and other media.
Today while the Canucks are in southern Florida about to face off against the Florida Panthers I was able to talk to Keith Ballard while he was about to hit the gym after an early morning practice.
MattTheMascot: Hey Keith my name is Matt and I am an independent news outlet. Can I have a few minutes of your time?
Keith Ballard: Sure. I was just about to start my routine with some stretching. Care to join?
(My back and groin immediately start to scream)
MTM: Yesterday you guys played an incredible game against the leagues toughest opponent as of late. You came in with confidence and you didn’t let them scare you away, as many bruins fans had thought would happen.
KB: Yeah those guys are tough but we made them pay on the score sheet. Also we had brass knuckles in our gloves.
MTM: Whoa! I don’t think you should be telling me that. Its my job to inform the rest of the world what you say.
KB: Oh then I guess I shouldn’t tell you about the marbles we threw on the ice either.
MTM: Moving on. Everyone in the NHL’s sphere of knowledge knows what happened between you guys and the Bruins last year. What did you learn that helped you come back from those games?
KB: We learned that if you can’t bring knives and guns to a fight then you’ll have to fight dirty. We were like mosquitoes around there ear. Baiting them into fights, chirping about their mothers and spitting at them when the refs aren’t looking. That’s why Lucic tried to tear off Bieksa’s head like a beer cap.
MTM: I heard a rumor that someone has put a bounty on Brad Marchand’s head. Can you tell me the truth on the matter?
KB: Yeah Daniel got really embarrassed over what happened last year and put up a $10,000 Ikea gift card up for anyone on the team to take him out. Nobody really likes Ikea on the team but we said we would accept because we don’t like anyone from Boston. Player coach or fan we despise them all.
MTM: Is that why you guys got out the rink and onto your bus so fast? You also got to Florida rather quickly. I would have expected you guys to take in some sights and sounds of Boston.
KB: Yeah all the fans were really irate over us winning. Well all the boston fans don’t really know what anything other than drinking and fighting is. I think they all think Ben Affleck is god or something. Most of them are red sox fans you know. Mike (Gillis) told us to shut up and keep walking when we got off the ice. He’s kind of a nazi sometimes.
(After 100 push ups by Ballard and my 5 and a quarter we move into the cardio room where we are joined by my hero Dan Hamhuis spinning on a bike)
MTM: Hi Dan! Glad to meet you (we shake hands) You know Jesus hates you and you should join in the league of Satan. Ill give you my number. Ill hook you up.
(Dan then glares supreme hatred at me and walks away)
Was it something I said?
KB: He is a jesus freak dude. Why would you say that?
(Keith jumps on a recumbent bike and starts pedaling)
MTM: I was just spreading my faith in the way I know. Sorry maybe ill buy him a non alcoholic beer later and he can cry about it. Anyways back to my questions. You have a lot of history with Florida. In fact a lot of the guys on the team have spent some time here. What do you miss the most?
KB: The cocaine.
MTM: Excuse me?
KB: I mean uhh the sunshine. (Throws me a wink) And Tomas Vokoun. He was my bestest buddy. He hasn’t been the same though since I tapped his helmet with my stick.
MTM: Being the investigator I am, I have seen that play. And you didn’t tap him, you nearly cleaved his skull in half like he was a helpless watermelon.
KB: Tomato potato.
MTM: Your not saying that right.
KB: Whatever your Canadian.
MTM: I see now why AV doesn’t like you.
KB: I played football!
MTM: Yeah I know. And you weren’t very good that’s why you stuck with hockey. Speaking of football, the NFL playoffs are on right now. Who’s your team?
KB: I really like the Boston celtics. They are going to win the super bowl.
MTM: They are a basketball team not football.
KB: French fry tomato plant.
MTM: Your still not saying it right.
KB: Whatever, canadian.
MTM: So moving on, where do you think you’ll be traded to come deadline day?
KB: Well I like Minnesota, I’m from there you know, (I place my face in my palm) their slow boring play suits my tempo as of late. Or possibly the Atlanta thrashers. I sure like it down there.
MTM: Atlanta doesn’t have a team any more dumbass and your not exactly the best person for an interview.
(Keith jumps up and punches me in the shoulder.)
KB: Oh man sorry I was trying to hit you in face. But I’m not wearing my glasses.
(Mike Gillis walks in the room with two guards, both with something in their hands but I can’t tell what. He then points at Keith and nods. The guards then walk up from behind and they hit him in the head with their slap jacks. He crumbles.)
Mike Gillis: This interview is over.
MTM: Okay no problem ill just be on my wa……. (I hear a thump and see blackness)
(I wake up later with a goose egg and a tim hortons gift certificate in my pocket.)
MTM: Oh man my head hurts. Tim hortons? Cheap bastard…
Dan Hamhuis: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
MTM: What the…….
(Dan throws a right hook that levels me out)
Tune in next week as I interview more of the NHL’s finest.
Photo courtesy www.nhl.com
check out the next adventure https://mattthemascot.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/fake-interviews-with-nhl-players-ryan-kesler-1-16-2012/