(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Todd Bertuzzi 1-23-2012
Due to a Dan Hamhuis Stone Cold Stunner, a plane ride in a box and a rude drop off, I have awoke in Detroit Michigan with no memory of the past few days. I am very unfamiliar with my surroundings, of course i have never been to Detroit, and it smells really bad here. Wait, upon closer inspection its me that smells really bad.
I still hold my magic ruby that can hypnotize people, thankfully. With some trickery I can still access various places.
After wandering the mean streets of lower Detroit, i have found the practice arena of the Detroit Red Wings. I make my way inside and have come across a familiar face, former Vancouver Canuck power forward Todd Bertuzzi!
MattTheMascot: Hi Todd my name is Matt and i am an independent news outlet based out of Vancouver. Can i have a few minutes of your time?
Todd Bertuzzi: Sure, anything for a Vancouver traveler.
(He looks at me, puzzled)
TB: Everything ok? You don’t look so good.
MTM: Its a long story. Anyways on to my first question. How is it playing for the Red Wings? They are one of the greatest dynasties of the NHL era.
TB: Well uh, to be perfectly honest, I’ve never felt more at home. The whole organization, from the management to the players and the fans around us, there isn’t a better team in the league. We are a tight knit crew and most of us have been here for a few years now. A real sense of brotherhood and respect.
MTM: Wow that’s great to hear. What is the major difference in your eyes the difference between the cities of Vancouver and Detroit?
TB: Well uh, Detroit itself is an older city with more history, but with a lot of problems. Crime and what not. But the sports crowd here is amazing, competing with franchises like the Lions, Tigers and Pistons, we still have a fan base that adore us. Not that we didn’t in Vancouver, but here people respect us and allow us to eat in privacy and don’t try to get an autograph when I’m in the bathroom. I love a lot of the fans from Vancouver but they were a little bit uh, crazy to be blunt.
MTM: So what you are saying is that you like Detroit better than Vancouver?
TB: If it wasn’t uh, for the Vancouver fans I wouldn’t be the same person I am now. I had great times in Vancouver with Nazzy and those guys, but after the incident I just couldn’t stand to be around them. I miss the city but things changed, everyone looked at me differently there after the incident. I never meant for the end result and people assumed the worst.
MTM: I understand what you are saying, I remember that game as clear as crystal. And I know how the people of Vancouver are. What do you do now in your time away from hockey?
TB: Mostly I like gardening, and uh, playing with kittens.
TB: You got a problem with uh, that?
(His eyes narrow to a point that would make Mike Gillis uncomfortable)
MTM: No no, I’m perfectly fine with that. Anyways what is Niklas Lidstrom like?
TB: He is a leader in uh, all sense of the word. He was the one who gave me all my kittens and taught me how to build a garden. But he is always walking around with a handgun to keep us in line. And we are not allowed to talk to him outside of the rink. I think its because he’s a robot.
MTM: Everyone believes he is the modern day Terminator, the older he gets the better he plays.
TB: Don’t tell anyone I uh, told you this, but in his house there is a machine that gives him his super power. I snuck over one night and peeked in his window and saw a mad scientist looking guy connecting a wire into his chest. It was freaky!
MTM: Don’t worry your secret is safe with me.
(Heavy footsteps approach from behind)
TB: Oh no! He’s coming! Hide!
(I run into the players bathroom, not sure of what to think. I over hear a conversation between Todd and someone else)
TB: Hey Nik! I mean sir.
Niklas Lidstrom: Who were you talking to?
(His voice is mechanical and sounds demonic)
TB: No one sir! I swear!
NK: I heard more than one voice. You are lying to me Todd.
TB: No I swear!
(I hear a thump and heavy steps walking away)
Well that didn’t wind up going so well. I still have to find my way home. The closest big city is Chicago. Ill make my way there next. But first Ill need some money.
My adventure continues next week.