(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! David Booth Featuring the AMEX Line 4-2-2012
What happened? I am missing the last 2 weeks of my memory! The last thing I remember was being at a bar in minnesota. I was getting wasted with the AMEX line. I awoke this day, still wearing my new suit on with a migraine, dirty and smelly in my own bedroom. After I clean up. I decide to look for some answers.
I walk into the Canucks home of
GM Place Rogers Arena and am greeted by security. A large suited man grabs my shoulder and says “Hold one moment please”. I look at his name tag, it says Laser. Holy shit could it be Laser from American Gladiators? Before I could ask he took his finger off his ear piece and shoves me in an elevator. The elevator doors close, and drops faster than I have ever felt. I stop almost as soon as I start, the doors open, and standing before me, the very people I was looking for.
David Booth: THERE YOU ARE!
Ryan Kesler: Where have you been?
Chris Higgins: Look at my abs.
MattTheMascot: What the hell happened? I can’t remember jack since minnesota!
DB: Dude you don’t remember?
RK: You drank more tequila than anyone I’ve ever seen. And I’ve met mexican people.
CH: Look at my abs.
MTM: I remember having a few shots with you guys, but after that I can’t remember anything until this morning.
(Booth looks at Kesler and Higgins)
DB: Can you guys leave us for a few minutes?
RK: Sure shoot me a text when your ready to go back upstairs.
CH: Did he see my abs?
(Kesler and higgins leave the room via the elevator)
DB: Sorry man, some bad shit happened that night. What do you last remember?
MTM: Like I said, we were doing shots. And then nothing till this morning.
DB: Well after the first four rounds of shots, you said you could drown a whole bottle of jager. Little did we know, you had grabbed a special “package” from the neighborhood drug dealer. You popped four pills in your mouth and drank the whole bottle. It was pretty impressive.
MTM: What were the pills?
DB: I have no idea. Anyways after that, you stumbled into the bathroom, came back with a green plant, looked like a cactus. You kept giggling about cactus’s and Rooney Mara.
MTM: Holy shit. I did peyote?
DB: If that’s what it was, you sure did. You ate that cactus like you were in a watermelon eating competition. You looked at Kes and said “You look good naked” and to Higgy “Can I touch your abs?”
MTM: I’m almost scared to ask what happened next.
DB: Then you ran out of the bar. Kes and I ran after you. Higgins paid the bill, by the way you owe him $700. You broke into a toy store and started playing with Star Wars toys. Claiming you were “the last living descendant of Anakin Skywalker”. By then we knew you were super f’ed up.
MTM: How am I not in jail?
DB: We called Schneider, he came and got us in his rental car. You then called him a “Ginger Ninja”. He was less than impressed to say the least, and punched you in the balls.
MTM: How did I get home? You guys were in the middle of a road trip.
DB: The Canucks have a private jet for emergencies, so we dumped you on the plane and hoped for the best. Once you got back, according to the pilot, you ran off the plane into the field of the Vancouver Airport landing area. The airport security chased after you into the night and no one has seen you since.
MTM: Well, now that’s what I call a screwed up night. Do you want to get some lunch? I feel like I’ve lost 30 pounds.
DB: Sure ill get the boys.
After we get together I profusely apologize to the three of them. We walk away from the arena, hop in a cab and go to the Gotham Steakhouse. As soon as I step out of the cab, someone busts out of the shop across the street, yelling and screaming at me.
Tattoo Artist: Hey you, Assfuck give me my money!
MTM: You talking to me?
TA: Yeah you drunk asshole. You came few days ago, got tattoo and didn’t pay. Now I cut you if you don’t give me da money!
CH: Did you see my abs?
(Punches the Tattoo artist in the jaw. Leaving him knocked out on the pavement)
MTM: Wow looks like I owe you even more now.
DB: Good right cross Higgy!
RK: You threw down cuz!
CH: (points to his stomach and says) Abs!
Who knows what craziness will happen next week.