(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Playoff Edition – Manny Malhotra 4-9-2012
Thanks to an assist to Chris Higgins’ abs, I am still alive and ready to take on my next assignment. My manager tasked me with tracking down the notoriously hard to interview, but super awesome person, Manny Malhotra.
On this beautiful sunny day, I was downtown looking at buying a new suit for the playoff interviews I’m bound to have. I was trying on something when I heard a familiar voice.
Manny Malhotra: Listen up cash register girl, don’t you know who I am? The Manny never pays full price!
MattTheMascot: Hey Manny, everything ok?
MM: This girl here doesn’t know who I am. The Manny never pays full price for a suit. (He looks at the cashier) I am your bosses brother. Give me my discount!
MTM: When your done, can I bother you for a few minutes? Ill buy you a coffee.
MM: Sure. Once this moron gives me my suit AT A DISCOUNT ill meet you outside.
(I leave and wait for him. Less than five minutes later he emerges with a suit slung behind his back)
MM: Sorry you had to see that brother. Sometimes people need to be put in their place.
MTM: Hey I totally understand. What coffee do you want? I’m buying.
MM: Tim hortons brother.
(I sigh under my breath, despising timmy ho’s but I remain respectful. After getting our coffees, his bodyguards block off a section of the cafe and we resume.)
MTM: Ok first things first, I have never seen you act the way you did in the suit place. Is it normal for you to have such outbursts?
MM: No not really. (He takes a sip of his coffee and spits it out) What the hell? I asked for three creme and five sugars. (He throws his coffee at one his bodyguards) GET ME ANOTHER ONE!
MTM: I’m sorry I must have misheard you. Don’t take it out on someone else.
MM: No brother its the people behind the counter. They ARE MORONS!
(The coffee house goes quiet)
MM: That’s better. THREE CREME FIVE SUGARS BITCH!
MTM: Hey man chill. Its just a coffee.
MM: Brother I’m not arguing with you. Next question.
MTM: Ok, you played on San Jose with Joe Thornton. How was he as a teammate?
MM: Oh you mean old fat head? Some leader. He used to make rookies clean his shoes. He thinks he is some form of god. I tell you brother, he was a terrible person.
MTM: That doesn’t come as much of a shock. Do you have any playoff traditions?
MM: My family comes from pakistan. There when you wish for good luck from the gods, you sacrifice a goat. Here that is illegal. So now I encourage my family to grow beards instead of spread violence.
MTM: That’s a great way to help spread cheer. And besides goats are hard to come by around here.
MM: That is inconsequential. Anything is possible if you have enough money.
MTM: You played with Wayne Gretzky. What was your favorite moment that you spent with him?
MM: One day, when we were on the streets, someone came up to the two of us and tried to rob us with a large knife. Wayne used his mind trick power to convince the guy that his life would be better served at the bottom of the hudson river. So he ran to the bridge and jumped off.
MTM: You know that mind trick jedi stuff isn’t real right?
MM: That’s what the world would like you to believe. We jedi are going to rebuild the world.
MTM: Your a jedi?
MM: I was Wayne’s padawan. He taught me to control my anger. David Booth and Maxim Lapierre are also jedi knights.
MTM: Judging by today’s sequences of events, I’d say you need to brush up on your skills.
MM: What did you say to me?
(He steps back out of his chair, pulls something out of his pocket and turns on what happens to be a very realistic looking lightsaber)
MM: Now you will die impudent worm!
MTM: Well this has turned out lovely.
(He swings an overhead chop designed to cut me in half. I side step to the left. He then slashes across my mid section, of which I barely avoid getting my entrails spilled onto the floor. I grab a chair and throw it at him, and then I run out the back emergency exit. I hear him say something behind me)
What the hell? Why can’t I just have an honest interview with these people? Why do they always end badly?
The playoffs are just around the corner. wonder what’s next.