(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Dan Hamhuis 2-20-2012

Thanks to a 24 hour snowstorm, a 48 hour headache and a 4 day greyhound trip, I have arrived in Edmonton Alberta. My greyhound was supposed to take me to calgary, but my bus driver decided to drink a bottle of lysol and we ended up far north. Call it fate as the Oilers the night before had played the Vancouver Canucks, I found a lot of people wearing Canucks jerseys on the street, helping me feel at home for the first time in weeks.

I found a 20 dollar bill on the road, so I went to go get something to eat. Subway was right beside where I was, so I took it as fate again to go in. Who but who do I see but Dan Hamhuis having himself a sandwich. I decide to reintroduce myself.


MattTheMascot: Well well well. Look at you.

Dan Hamhuis: Excuse me?

MTM: Are you serious? You don’t remember me? You have punched me in the face AND gave me a stone cold stunner. How can you not recognize me?

DH: Oh yeah. How’s it going?

MTM: Are you serious? Really?

DH: Sorry guy, I get upset sometimes and lose myself to the devil inside me.

MTM: That’s all your going to say? Do you know the hell I have endured since we last met? You and Ryan Kesler have ruined my life! You knocked me out and he put me in a box destined for Detroit! Did you think was funny?

(He smiles a little bit)

DH: I got caught up. It was the heat of the moment. I love that song. It could be more jesus-y though. Are you a man of the lord?

MTM: Yet again you don’t remember. I told you that I wanted you to join me in Satan’s service. When I was talking to Keith Ballard in Florida.

DH: NOW I remember you! I knew your face was familiar.

(I smack my face with the palm of my hand)

DH: You need Jesus in your life my friend. I can show you the way. Will you take my offer into consideration?

MTM: I have to make my way home because of you. Because of you i am broke and have been stealing just to scrape by. There is no way you can rub jesus onto me. You were my favorite player.

DH: I am truly sorry of what I did to you. Can I order you a sandwich?

MTM: I don’t think you understand what I am saying. I don’t want your help. But as far as I am concerned you owe me. I don’t want help I want payback. We can settle this right now. Give me enough money to rent a car back to vancouver.

DH: I don’t think so. I want you to leave.

MTM: Were in a subway in Edmonton. I don’t have to do anything of the sort. I should phone the police. Your lucky I love the team more than you. Now what are you going to do about this?

DH: Fine ill help you out. Only because I’m leaving for a plane. Were going to Nashville, where I used to play. I’m going to hang out with Shea Weber.

MTM: Shea weber is a better player than you, and I hope he comes here just to bust you down more minutes.

DH: That wasn’t very nice. Your a jerk.

MTM: You shipped me in a box to Detroit!

DH: Technically that was Kes….

MTM: Shut your mouth!

(I feel a strong hand on my shoulder)

Ryan Kesler: Remember me?

MTM: Oh man not you too……..

(I feel a blunt instrument hit my temple, I go black)


I wake up some time later, at the Edmonton greyhound station with a note in my pocket. “Sorry buddy, come by the church when you get back. I will make amends”. He slipped me a 20 as well as a card to his church that he goes to. The money in my pockets will only get me to Calgary. Hopefully this will be one of my last legs of my trip home.

Until next time

Pictures courtesy www.nhl.com

Pictures courtesy http://www.nhl.com


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  1. The Interviews….. « Matt The Mascot - October 19, 2012

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