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Twitter meets Wrestling!

Wednesday the world imploded and gassed out something excellent. Another idea for a blog! For those that follow me on twitter or read my blogs you may notice a bit of escalated drama in my tweets and posts. Most of which is due to and coincides with my love of professional wrestling! WWF/WWE, WCW, ECW and others were mainstays on my television as a kid.

Fanny pack not included.

Let me tell you the following story like a high school rumor floating around school.


It all started when two minds collided and One Man asked who would play a real life miss Elizabeth? Wife of the late Macho Man Randy Savage RIP.

Another said “Man, that would be awesome to match up Twitter personalities to wrestlers.
Fearless leader immediately dibs gold dust.

Number 2 dibs doink the clown. A full minute behind him i did as well. 😦

Another wants to be scott hall.

Coquit states that he wants to be virgil.

Then the Stromboniest one requests Papa Shango. Which Another promptly photoshops for him.

The end….

Meet your cast and characters:

One man : @socialassassin2
Another: @thestanchion
Fearless Leader: @thomasdrance
Number 2 : @browntobure
Coquit: @Mitch_SBMedia
Myself: @Mattthemascot
The Stromboniest One: @strombone1

But wait theres more! What fun would it be if i didnt include some of the others in our twitter sphere? Lets have some fun!

@jbowmancouver : The Undertaker. Its the beard bru. Keep that badass for movember.

@harrisonmooney : whomever he wants to in those pants

@GMmikegillis : a bottle of jamesons

@Trevor_Linden : Mr Perfect (RIP)

@DarrenDreger : this guy

@RonHNIC: Vince MacMahon

#shapheat gentlemen.



Replacement Media Fun

With the recent NHL lockout, the blogosphere has been forced to live on even more meager means that before. That being said, most of the bloggers who do this for a living are less biased and more truthful when it comes to sports than most local sports writers.

They are also more compassionate because most are doing it for the love of the sport or just for fun. Not for ratings, not for view counts, and certainly not for money because yeah, there really isn’t much to go around out there.

With all the MSM vs Blogosphere hoohah going around, I thought it would be fun to create a list of Replacement Media personnel. The following is not necessarily a jab at certain TV anchors / personalities, but is also a direct stab at some.

There are far too many good bloggers in Vancouver alone to get everyone in this small piece, let alone Canada and the rest of the world, so I went with a route of locals of Vancouver and followers of my favorite teams.

Not only is Wyatt the Stanchion doing a fake sportscentre with crazy hair and nervous twitches, but he and fellow Legion of Blog blogger (sigh) Jordan Bowman are a tag team that could lead the country’s top sports news program.

Marda Miller aka Burrows Girl and Cam Davie aka The Tinfoil Toque could be their opposite night agents, lending expertise, veteran leadership, and massive amounts of twitter followers.

Thomas Drance and Cam Charron may both be in Toronto but both hold love for our local and nationwide sports. Numbers are their game and no one does it better.

For those of you who don’t know who Greg Wyshynski is, shame on you, well if you read hockey blogs that is. A guru in the game, he is a must read/listen/twitter follow.

My boys Brown to Bure aka Dave Wells and Mitch (no idea what your last name is) are two young guys shappin their way through the world one tweet at a time.

And I actually compared myself to Nick Kypreos, because no one really likes me, I just force my way into other peoples important conversations like I actually know what I’m talking about…..

Too many bloggers to mention, but they people at Canucks Army, Pass it to Bulis, The Backhand Shelf, Puck Daddy, Nucks Misconduct, Legion of Blog and countless other independent blogs are vital to our game, so support them via twitter or read the blogs. Some of them actually make a living from these.


Flea Market Day

So today I went to the Cloverdale flea market with my wife and some friends of ours. It was a very sunny and warm Sunday where I felt like melting an ice cream sandwich on my face or sticking my head into a tub of ice water. For those of you who don’t know, flea markets are places where 99% of the products you see for sale are just a bunch of junk no one wants anymore. These flea markets have been bastardized by ever annoying shows such as storage wars, where now everyone things there hunk of dried dog poo is worth a hundred thousand dollars. Although it’s usually truckloads of stolen goods sold by gypsies, occasionally you find some decent items mixed among them. But then, you find something so awe inspiring, so nostalgic, you lose a bit of yourself in memories of past or dreams of the future. And I am here to share some of the things I saw that I almost bought.

From the outside it just looks like a bronzed bird. But upon closer inspection you see that it is actually Toucan Sam, the mascot of Fruit Loops cereal, frozen in carbonite, then covered in bronze, put on display because the owner is a mad sadist bird hater. I felt bad for him but the guy wanted 50,000 republic credits, which aren’t even real so I left the table, hoping that @streetcrow will be able to fund his cousin’s escape from his vile jailers grasp.

These were the first Nintendo games I ever played, Super Mario Bros and Blades of Steel. Some of my finest moments in the sport of hockey came from Blades of Steel. Like the time I beat my 9 year old cousin by a devastating score of 16 – 0. This was in 1991 and ever since then my video game playing skills have only gotten worse.
And Super Mario Bros, you have a special place in my heart. You changed the world and I am better off with you in my life than if you had ceased to exist. Who knows, if you didn’t change the scope of how games were played maybe I would be a doctor or a physicist, living a boring uncreative suicidal life. I love you man.

The slide projector was a revolutionary piece of technology, it allowed pictures to be blown up in relatively clear quality against a wall of some kind. Now obviously 40 something years later this is a completely useless, ancient piece of junk, but it is a prime example of the level of technology available in the 1960s and 70s. This brand, however, Google can’t even answer much other than that it is basically stolen pieces from other projectors on the market and sold as a different company for ridiculously cheap. I believe this may have been a walmart scam before walmart was walmart.

Growing up a Vancouver Canucks fan, I saw the rise and fall of the Russian Rocket known as Pavel Bure. I saw him live in person several times and could honestly tell you, no one in the world was on this guys level. Eventually he was hampered by injuries and a terrible contract that led to his removal in Vancouver and eventually back to Russia. This autographed photo was only 100 dollars and came with a certificate of authenticity. If I didn’t just buy a condo and wasn’t planning a trip to Mexico, this would be up on my wall already.

A panther poorly carved out of wood? You bet! The owner of this item tried telling me this was worth 30 dollars! Hah! What a dipshit. The only reason I partially liked this was because I read a series of novels that feature a panther in it.

And finally A FREAKIN CROSSBOW! It was crudely made, and didn’t have all of its working components but hey you know what? If I got it to work I would be able to put an arrow right between the eyes of a bear. Or if I was like David Booth of the Vancouver Canucks, I would leave some rancid meat in a barrel and cheap shot it when it wasn’t looking. I wonder if bear meat is any good….. Dammit off topic.


Mike Gillis caught a fish, and he wants you to know about it.

So earlier this week, Vancouver Canucks General Manager Mike Gillis was on vacation and caught a tuna fish weighing in at a whopping 140 pounds. The local blogging community and fans were understandably upset at him, as the free agency period was still filled with suitable candidates for what the Canucks could use in their line up. Most notably Shea Weber from the Nashville Predators and Shane Doan from the Pheonix Coyotes. So instead of bargaining for high profile free agents, Mr Gillis was sipping mai tais and catching fish in the sunshine. After he caught his behemoth fish, his son snapped a photo of him hoisting it in the air and sent it to the world via twitter. He also made some comments to go along with it, and i have found them and decided to share them with you.


Whoa Gillis, dude you shouldnt be talking about your wife like that.

Poor Zack, i think he needs a bit more deoderant or something.

He has some strong words for mr Luongo. Instead of trading him, he is mocking him, what a jerk.

Here he is taking stabs at his fellow general manager of the Nashvile Predators, David Poile on one of his recent defensemen jumping ship.

Oh he must have been drinking a bit too much, now hes singing Rod Stewart. Why are we scottish so crazy?

This is one hes going to want back. Apparently he really likes fish and really doesnt like traded centerman Cody Hodgson.

Here he has some choice words for twitter user @Strombone1 who may or may not be Roberto Luongo.

I know hes drunk and everything, but this one made everyone really mad. Not only does he rip Andrew alberts, current Vancouver Canucks defenseman, but also makes everyone feel bad for wanting superstar Shea Weber.

So all in all Gillis had a fun day, while making us the fans have a shit fit over his antics. it was only a few weeks ago that most of the people in Vancouver liked him. Funny how a few days can change things.


Hockey Cards: Nostalgia Revisited

Hockey Cards: Nostalgia Revisited
This is a another new feature that will get updated whenever I feel like it.
This morning while going to get some bread at the ole Wal-Mart, I found 2 things that caught my eye. One of them was that Sidney Crosby was still on my bread packaging. Which for some reason drives me ballistic.

And the other was a package of Vancouver Canucks team cards from the beginning of the 2010-11 season. Naturally I was intrigued, seeing how I’m a sucker for Canucks crap. On the back it gave a list of players included.

Hank and Dank of course among them, Luongo and Schneiderman, Kesler and Burrows and even Slammin Sami Salo. But also the likes of Darcy Hordichuk and Christian Ehrhoff. I couldn’t help but notice the late great Rick “Stone Fist” Rypien as well. I have decided to share some of the cards of those who are not with us anymore. As we face palm some of the signings of our GM’s, I will share some info on the back of the cards and then some up to date stuff about them.

Rick Rypien – Born 5/16/84 passed on 8/15/2011. Shoots right, Weight 190 height 5’11”

As the entire Canuck nation knows, Rick had been battling some inner demons such as depression for his whole life. He wound up taking his own life due to this. His friend and teammate Kevin Bieksa, has started A place where people of all walks of life can find information on how to help themselves and people close to them affected by mental illness.

On the back of the card : “Rypien has played junior, minor league and NHL hockey within his native Canada. He closed his American Hockey League career after four seasons with the Manitoba Moose in which he scored 16 goals and added 21 assists for 37 points in 105 games.”

I strongly urge everyone to visit and promote the information within. Mental Illness is prevalent in today’s world, please help end it.

Evan Oberg – Born 2/16/88 Shoots left, weight 165, height 6’

Who? Yeah not many people remember him. Because he wasn’t very good at defense, he was small (only 165 pounds) and ill guess he smelled bad. On February 28, 2011, Oberg, along with a third round pick in the 2013 NHL Entry Draft, was traded to the Florida Panthers, for left winger Chris “Abs” Higgins. He is currently playing with the Norfolk Admirals of the AHL as a prospect for the Tampa Bay Lightning of the NHL. He still has 0 points, 0 PIM, and has played 7 NHL games.

On the back of the card: “Oberg’s skates touched NHL ice for the first time in 2009-10 as he appeared in two games for Vancouver, including a 7-3 win vs. Calgary in the April 10 regular-season finale. He spent most of the season at Manitoba in the AHL, leading all Moose defensemen with 26 points. “

Christian Ehrhoff – Born 7/6/82 Shoots left, weight 205, height 6’2”

The once mighty, how you have fallen. For those of you who know me, which is very few, you know I was not a fan of his while he was here in Vancouver. Yes I thought his offensive talents were great, his skating was superb. But he was a liability in his own end and I spent more time yelling at my TV because of him than any other Canuck. He currently plays for the Buffalo Sabres of the NHL . This was due to his negotiating rights traded from Vancouver to the New York Islanders in exchange for a fourth-round pick in the 2012 NHL Entry Draft, where he was a cry baby and refused to sign and play, and was subsequently traded away again the next day to the Sabres. What a baby…

On the back of the card: ”Team success has followed Ehrhoff at every stop, *(editors note: it hasn’t really) as he has played for two of the western conference’s best teams in San Jose and Vancouver. He has made the post season in each of his five seasons *(editors note: haha sucker) and already has 50 Stanley Cup playoff games and 22 points under his belt.”

Darcy Hordichuk: Born 8/10/80 shoots left, weight 215, height 6’1”

This guy is a clown. Why he even has a job still I don’t know. He was recently seen infuriating Edmonton Oiler fans last season. “Hordi” was traded for a guy who didn’t even play a game with the Canucks, that’s a shitty thing, too bad you deserved it clown. During the 2011 off-season, Hordichuk vowed to abuse the Sedin twins the next time he played against the Canucks. When the Oilers and Canucks met on October 15, 2011, Hordichuk injured his knee taking a run at Canuck defenseman Keith Ballard, who threw a last-minute hip check at the charging Hordichuk. This hit temporarily ended Hordichuk’s season. Another reason to love Ballard and hate Hordichuk.

On the back of the card: ”One of the tougher players in the league *(editors note: hahahahaha) Hordichuk has long been a protector of his teammates. During the last 10 NHL seasons , he has 112 fighting majors, the third most in the league behind Jody Shelley (155) and Ian Laperriere (144). He dropped the gloves 19 times in 2001-02.”

Sergei Shirokov : Born 3/10/86 shoots right, weight 195, height 5’10”

He was one that I felt got away. Originally a great prospect, he failed to impress the brass on the NHL level. He is currently with HC CSKA Moscow of the Kontinental Hockey League (KHL). His rights were traded for “buzzin” Mike Duco from the Florida Panthers. He recently won a gold medal as part of team Russia at the world championship.
On the back of the card: ”Before his six game stint with Vancouver in 2009-10 Shirokov was busy playing hockey on both sides of the globe. In his last year with CSKA Moscow in Moscow, he scored 34 points in 57 games. Then, he was second on the Manitoba Moose (AHL) in 2009-10 with 45 points.”

Mikael Samuelsson: Born 12/23/76 shoots right, weight 213, height 6’2”

The Triple Gold Club member won a Stanley cup with Detroit in 2008, and when he played in Vancouver he was the veteran that made a lot of great things happen for the team on and off the ice. Famous for being blown off of team Sweden’s 2010 Olympic hockey team, and then stating “I pretty much have one comment and maybe I’ll regret it. But they can go fuck themselves,” referring to the brass behind team Sweden. His first season in Vancouver he netted 30 goals in the regular season and 7 in one playoff series alone against the Los Angeles Kings. He was traded to the Florida Panthers along with fellow veteran forward Marco Sturm for forwards David Booth and Steven Reinprecht, as well as a 3rd round pick in the 2013 NHL draft.

On the back of the card ” In Vancouver’s first round victory against the Kings in the 2010 playoffs, Samuelsson was the key offensive contributor for the Canucks. He registered at least one goal in each of the first five games, finishing the series with team highs in goals (7) points(11) and plus minus (plus8).”

As an added bonus, look at Dan Hamhuis and Keith Ballard before they got their Canucks uniforms on. So ridiculous.