(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Bret Hedican 2-6-2012

Thanks to an ignorant flight attendant, an unpaid bar tab and a pair of really smelly socks, I have traveled from Chicago Illinois to Minneapolis / St Paul Minnesota. The home of the americans most likely to understand the Canadian language (eh), moose meat steaks and the Minnesota Wild.

The Wild are a constant sleep source division rival of my precious Canucks but as I wander through the streets of the twin cities, I can’t see any fanfare or advertising of any kind relating to hockey. Cold and homeless, I sit on a bench on a busy street. I hear a voice ask me “Is everything ok?” I look up and see its none other than former Vancouver Canuck, Bret Hedican.


A bearded Bret is a dangerous Bret

MattTheMascot: You’re Bret Hedican aren’t you?

Bret Hedican: Yes I am. Who are you? Not many people recognize me here.

MTM: My name is Matt, I’m from Vancouver and I’m stranded here. I’m an amateur journalist trying to make it, but its not going so well.

BH: Is there anything I can do to help? You look like you could use a shower and some clean clothes.

MTM: I appreciate your concern. All I’m trying to do is get home. I will accept any charity you can give, it is so cold here.

BH: I’m in town to see some family, why don’t you take my hotel key and have a shower. Its just across the street. Grab a few clothes and meet me at the starbucks downstairs in an hour.

MTM: Thank you, your the nicest person I’ve met here in the states. Ill go now.

(After showering, shaving and grabbing some clothes I go back downstairs and meet Bret for a coffee)

BH: You look better.

MTM: I feel better thank you. You’ve been incredibly gracious and I feel terrible for asking, but do you think there’s anyway you could get me into Canada?

BH: That’s quite a favor to ask. But I don’t think its too much of a problem, the border isn’t far from here.

MTM: There’s only one catch. I don’t have a passport. Or any identification at all. I woke up in detroit with nothing.

BH: Detroit? That’s a ways away. How did you get here?

MTM: If you help me, I will tell you.

BH: Ok fine. The border guards aren’t too thorough here. When we get closer to the border ill get you to hide underneath a blanket.

MTM: I cannot thank you enough! When can we leave?

BH: Let’s go right now. My cars outside.

(We jump into his car, a 2002 ford focus wagon)

BH: Sorry its not a lexus or an Audi, I’m a former hockey player turned analyst not a movie star.

MTM: Hey its all the same to me. I have nothing at all.

(I proceed to tell him my tale up till this point)

BH: Really Kesler did that to you? What a dick. He seems really nice in person. Well just can’t trust those michigan boys.

MTM: Yeah it was rough not gonna lie. I know we have a long drive still so can I ask you some questions?

BH: Go for it.

MTM: You were a defenceman for the Canucks during their Run to the cup in 94. What is your favorite memory of that time?

BH: I’d have to say the pure determination in the eyes of my fellow team mates heading into game 6 of the finals. It was enough to make you think the world was ours. Also the cocaine buffet was great pregame.

MTM: What? I wouldn’t think you guys would do that, especially pre game.

BH: It was all Bure man. That’s how he was so fast. And eventually why his body fell apart. Man that was a great time.

MTM: What else do you look back on from those days?

BH: Coming in as a low ranked team, we were the under dogs. We had an atmosphere that no one could touch. Everyone liked everybody. No team is ever like that. It was a shame it didn’t last, nothing great ever does.
MTM: What are you doing now?

BH: As I mentioned before I am an analyst. I mainly concentrate on the San Jose Sharks, who are in my honest opinion, a bunch of classless dirty pigs.

MTM: It sounds as if you don’t like them too much.

BH: I love hockey, and I need a job. It worked out in the end. No one in San Jose knows anything about hockey so I’m happy.

MTM: You won a stanley cup with the Carolina Hurricanes. How was that for you?

(He looks down at his ring, and smiles)

BH: We SUCKED! I have no clue how we got that far. More cocaine fueled rage I suppose. That Eric Staal guy could do more blow than a whale blows water. I guess it was a great time. Wish I could remember more of it.

MTM: Any thought of playing again? Coaching or anything?

BH: That’s always a forethought. It would be great to be in charge of a team. Not sure if I have the ability though.

MTM: Hey I see the border crossing. Ill jump in the back.

(Remembering my magical ruby, I set it spinning at the bottom of its chain. Its magic can allow me to harness peoples minds.)

MTM: You will not tell them about me.

BH: I will not tell them of you.

(I can see the glare of the magic in his eyes)
(I hop in the back under a blanket. We are allowed through the Pembina border crossing no problems)

MTM: Now pull over. And give me your wallet.
BH: What is this?

MTM: You have fulfilled your end of the bargain. Now I just need money.

(I spin the magic ruby in his eyes again)

BH: Here you are, its not much but…

MTM: Bret, it was nice meeting you. Your a good man, good luck!

I disappear into the snowy whiteness and bitter cold that is February in southern Manitoba. Ill try and get to Winnipeg. The wolves are out and a town is close. Wish me luck, ill need it to get back to Vancouver.


Pictures courtesy www.nhl.com www.brethedican.com

The Next Episode! It’s special! https://mattthemascot.wordpress.com/2012/02/16/fake-interviews-with-nhl-players-2-13-2012-kyle-wellwood/


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