(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Bret Hedican 2-6-2012
Thanks to an ignorant flight attendant, an unpaid bar tab and a pair of really smelly socks, I have traveled from Chicago Illinois to Minneapolis / St Paul Minnesota. The home of the americans most likely to understand the Canadian language (eh), moose meat steaks and the Minnesota Wild.
The Wild are a
constant sleep source division rival of my precious Canucks but as I wander through the streets of the twin cities, I can’t see any fanfare or advertising of any kind relating to hockey. Cold and homeless, I sit on a bench on a busy street. I hear a voice ask me “Is everything ok?” I look up and see its none other than former Vancouver Canuck, Bret Hedican.
MattTheMascot: You’re Bret Hedican aren’t you?
Bret Hedican: Yes I am. Who are you? Not many people recognize me here.
MTM: My name is Matt, I’m from Vancouver and I’m stranded here. I’m an amateur journalist trying to make it, but its not going so well.
BH: Is there anything I can do to help? You look like you could use a shower and some clean clothes.
MTM: I appreciate your concern. All I’m trying to do is get home. I will accept any charity you can give, it is so cold here.
BH: I’m in town to see some family, why don’t you take my hotel key and have a shower. Its just across the street. Grab a few clothes and meet me at the starbucks downstairs in an hour.
MTM: Thank you, your the nicest person I’ve met here in the states. Ill go now.
(After showering, shaving and grabbing some clothes I go back downstairs and meet Bret for a coffee)
BH: You look better.
MTM: I feel better thank you. You’ve been incredibly gracious and I feel terrible for asking, but do you think there’s anyway you could get me into Canada?
BH: That’s quite a favor to ask. But I don’t think its too much of a problem, the border isn’t far from here.
MTM: There’s only one catch. I don’t have a passport. Or any identification at all. I woke up in detroit with nothing.
BH: Detroit? That’s a ways away. How did you get here?
MTM: If you help me, I will tell you.
BH: Ok fine. The border guards aren’t too thorough here. When we get closer to the border ill get you to hide underneath a blanket.
MTM: I cannot thank you enough! When can we leave?
BH: Let’s go right now. My cars outside.
(We jump into his car, a 2002 ford focus wagon)
BH: Sorry its not a lexus or an Audi, I’m a former hockey player turned analyst not a movie star.
MTM: Hey its all the same to me. I have nothing at all.
(I proceed to tell him my tale up till this point)
BH: Really Kesler did that to you? What a dick. He seems really nice in person. Well just can’t trust those michigan boys.
MTM: Yeah it was rough not gonna lie. I know we have a long drive still so can I ask you some questions?
BH: Go for it.
MTM: You were a defenceman for the Canucks during their Run to the cup in 94. What is your favorite memory of that time?
BH: I’d have to say the pure determination in the eyes of my fellow team mates heading into game 6 of the finals. It was enough to make you think the world was ours. Also the cocaine buffet was great pregame.
MTM: What? I wouldn’t think you guys would do that, especially pre game.
BH: It was all Bure man. That’s how he was so fast. And eventually why his body fell apart. Man that was a great time.
MTM: What else do you look back on from those days?
BH: Coming in as a low ranked team, we were the under dogs. We had an atmosphere that no one could touch. Everyone liked everybody. No team is ever like that. It was a shame it didn’t last, nothing great ever does.
MTM: What are you doing now?
BH: As I mentioned before I am an analyst. I mainly concentrate on the San Jose Sharks, who are in my honest opinion, a bunch of classless dirty pigs.
MTM: It sounds as if you don’t like them too much.
BH: I love hockey, and I need a job. It worked out in the end. No one in San Jose knows anything about hockey so I’m happy.
MTM: You won a stanley cup with the Carolina Hurricanes. How was that for you?
(He looks down at his ring, and smiles)
BH: We SUCKED! I have no clue how we got that far. More cocaine fueled rage I suppose. That Eric Staal guy could do more blow than a whale blows water. I guess it was a great time. Wish I could remember more of it.
MTM: Any thought of playing again? Coaching or anything?
BH: That’s always a forethought. It would be great to be in charge of a team. Not sure if I have the ability though.
MTM: Hey I see the border crossing. Ill jump in the back.
(Remembering my magical ruby, I set it spinning at the bottom of its chain. Its magic can allow me to harness peoples minds.)
MTM: You will not tell them about me.
BH: I will not tell them of you.
(I can see the glare of the magic in his eyes)
(I hop in the back under a blanket. We are allowed through the Pembina border crossing no problems)
MTM: Now pull over. And give me your wallet.
BH: What is this?
MTM: You have fulfilled your end of the bargain. Now I just need money.
(I spin the magic ruby in his eyes again)
BH: Here you are, its not much but…
MTM: Bret, it was nice meeting you. Your a good man, good luck!
I disappear into the snowy whiteness and bitter cold that is February in southern Manitoba. Ill try and get to Winnipeg. The wolves are out and a town is close. Wish me luck, ill need it to get back to Vancouver.
The Next Episode! It’s special! https://mattthemascot.wordpress.com/2012/02/16/fake-interviews-with-nhl-players-2-13-2012-kyle-wellwood/