Archive | October 2012

The Interviews…..

Here is a list of my interviews in chronological order.

Your welcome.

Keith Ballard
Ryan Kesler
Todd Bertuzzi
Brendan Morrison
Bret Hedican
Kyle Wellwood
Dan Hamhuis
Michael Cammalleri
Zack Kassian
Kevin Bieksa
Alex Edler
David Booth

Season Two

Jason Garrison
Cory Schneider
Dany Heatley
Willie Mitchell

More fun to come!



(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Willie Mitchell SEASON TWO10/17/2012

One chilly night in October, myself and several of Vancouver’s bloggers went to a charity hockey event called “Bieksa’s Buddies”. In this game, the focus was to have fun and to raise some money for local charities. The game was entertaining and made everyone in attendance forget that there was a lockout happening in the real hockey world.

After the game, a few of us stopped off for a drink at a campus pub called The Dirty Pit. We heard a ruckus in the corner and saw that it was none other than Kevin Bieksa and Willie Mitchell. Dan Hamhuis was in the booth beside them with Manny Malhotra. Being half cut and feeling ballsy, Wyatt and I went over to their tables and said hello.


MattTheMascot: Kevin! Hammer! Wow Willie Mitchell! Hi Manny…..

Manny Malhotra: You’re lucky I don’t destroy you in public.

Willie Mitchell: What am I missing here guys?

MM: This impudent arrogant person here disgraced and humiliated me in public.

MTM: Well, maybe if you stiff lip jedi knew how to take a sarcastic joke, you wouldn’t try and cut me in half with your lightsaber.

WM: What? You’re a jedi? You’re hilarious.

The Stanchion: It’s true. I know all about the Canucks and their jedi powers.

(Manny looks at The Stanchion, waves his hand in face and says….)

MM: Wyatt go with your friend Kevin here, he wants to have a word with you.

STANCH: (eyes glazed over) Ok.

Dan Hamhuis: (looks at me) Hi Buddy! I’m going with Kevin. Byyyyyyeeeeeeee!!!!

(The other group leaves us)

WM: Are you kidding me? What’s really going on here?

MTM: Ok fine I’ll tell you. Just know that there are things that you may not understand.

(He nods, Manny is visibly twitching in anger)

MTM: I worked for the Canucks as an interviewer/columnist for a short period of time. I was able to make Manny here mad enough to try and cut me in half with a lightsaber, exposing his jedi craft at the same time. He was obviously distraught about it.

MM: You made me look like a fool! (He stands up, palms slam on the table) And one day I will have my revenge!

(Manny leaves the pub. Using his force powers he blows the doors open and zaps poor UBC mascot Thunderbird with force lightning, turning him into a giant smoking chicken)

WM: Wow you really pissed in his corn flakes…..

MTM: Tell me about it. Sorry I come with quite a bit of baggage. Anyways what made you come here for this game?

WM: Juice and I have been friends for a long time. He asked and I couldn’t say no.

MTM: Being a local guy who was a fan favorite, do you get recognized a lot here in Vancouver?

WM: Not as much as I would have thought. The people here forget fast and easily. Too much weed smoking and coffee drinking equals short attention spans.

MTM: If I just happened to have a joint with me would you blaze with me?

WM: I wish. I will admit I do miss it. But NHL drug testing would pick it up instantly. And I kind of like my job you know.

(He smiles, lifts his Stanley cup championship ring and kisses it)

MTM: Wow man. That looks like it’s worth more than my house.

WM: No you can’t touch it.

MTM: I wasn’t… I mean… Ok fine.

WM: So what’s your angle? Why are you here?

MTM: I’m just a regular everyday normal guy looking to shap it up with you man. What’s makes you think I have “an angle”?

WM: You know how Manny said he’s a jedi? Well I’m special too. I am reading your mind fool. (He taps his his left temple with his index finger)

MTM: You’re a funny guy….

WM: What does Mike Gillis see in you? If he wants information he is going to have to come with someone stronger than you.

MTM: I’m sorry Willie… I didn’t want to this but you leave me no choice.

WM: if you even think of using that taser you pulled out of your pocket I will scramble your brain like an omle…….

(I was fast and got close enough to graze him. He squirms a bit seems otherwise unfazed. So naturally I zap him again. He passes out and comes to a second later, confusion in his eyes)

WM: What happened? Why does my leg hurt?

MTM: Nothing happened. What are you talking about?

WM: Wait…. I can’t hear your thoughts, damn you tased me didn’t you? Electro shock is my kryptonite….

MTM: That’s my cue….


I ran out of the bar, as fast as my legs could carry me. I need to call Schneider, I need help. I haven’t told him about what happened in Toronto yet…..


Now you care?

This is not for the faint of heart and easily offended.

Im a volatile and angry person to begin with and this weeks exploits have pushed me to an edge.

This topic is of suicide and how a particular teen has brought this into the forefront once more.


Now you care?

A young woman in a suburban setting offs herself and now you care?

People have mental problems all over the globe and now you care?

The entire downtown core of Vancouver is filled with homeless who have mental problems and now all of a sudden you care?

If one of them committed suicide would you care?

No you wouldn’t you hypocritical pieces of shit.

If a “suicide bomber” in Iraq kills himself because hes sad and the media proclaims him a terrorist, would you give a shit?

No because all of society feels that if you don’t like a photo on facebook claiming to support this newest trend, you aren’t a decent human being.

Get this… NEWS FLASH!

Suicide is a huge problem and is happening everyday all over the world, but NOW you care because some little girl was sad.

I hope you ignorant people of the world choke and die if this is news to you. If you didn’t think mental illness and suicide was a problem before you need to open your eyes and stop being such an idiot.

Don’t give me this “now im really sad for this person I didn’t know” crap. Because your not. Your falling victim to a trend of media propaganda.

Don’t take this the wrong way…. I support your decisions to support mental illness. Its just the fact of now you care?

Replacement Media Fun

With the recent NHL lockout, the blogosphere has been forced to live on even more meager means that before. That being said, most of the bloggers who do this for a living are less biased and more truthful when it comes to sports than most local sports writers.

They are also more compassionate because most are doing it for the love of the sport or just for fun. Not for ratings, not for view counts, and certainly not for money because yeah, there really isn’t much to go around out there.

With all the MSM vs Blogosphere hoohah going around, I thought it would be fun to create a list of Replacement Media personnel. The following is not necessarily a jab at certain TV anchors / personalities, but is also a direct stab at some.

There are far too many good bloggers in Vancouver alone to get everyone in this small piece, let alone Canada and the rest of the world, so I went with a route of locals of Vancouver and followers of my favorite teams.

Not only is Wyatt the Stanchion doing a fake sportscentre with crazy hair and nervous twitches, but he and fellow Legion of Blog blogger (sigh) Jordan Bowman are a tag team that could lead the country’s top sports news program.

Marda Miller aka Burrows Girl and Cam Davie aka The Tinfoil Toque could be their opposite night agents, lending expertise, veteran leadership, and massive amounts of twitter followers.

Thomas Drance and Cam Charron may both be in Toronto but both hold love for our local and nationwide sports. Numbers are their game and no one does it better.

For those of you who don’t know who Greg Wyshynski is, shame on you, well if you read hockey blogs that is. A guru in the game, he is a must read/listen/twitter follow.

My boys Brown to Bure aka Dave Wells and Mitch (no idea what your last name is) are two young guys shappin their way through the world one tweet at a time.

And I actually compared myself to Nick Kypreos, because no one really likes me, I just force my way into other peoples important conversations like I actually know what I’m talking about…..

Too many bloggers to mention, but they people at Canucks Army, Pass it to Bulis, The Backhand Shelf, Puck Daddy, Nucks Misconduct, Legion of Blog and countless other independent blogs are vital to our game, so support them via twitter or read the blogs. Some of them actually make a living from these.


(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Dirty Dany Heatley 10/3/2012 SEASON TWO

It was a cold day in October when I was summoned to jury duty in New Westminster. While sitting in the courtroom wondering how I could get out of it, I saw a familiar face. The one and only – drunk driving, friend killing, trade demanding little baby boy – Dany Heatley.

After sitting through hours of nonsense we were both released at the same time. I chased him through the streets of New West and managed to catch him outside a starbucks begging for change. He was dirty, his shirt had holes in it, half of one his eyebrows was gone. He smelled like a sewer spit him up. So nonetheless, being a terrible person, I decided to extract whatever information I could out of him.


MattTheMascot: Dany Heatley? Is that really you?

Dany Heatley: You recognize me?

MTM: Of course man, you were one of the best Canadian forwards in the NHL.

DH: Do you have any spare change?

MTM: What has happened to you? Let me buy you some food and a drink.

DH: I don’t want your food. I need money for cocai…. I mean yeah food.

MTM: Why are you here? I mean in BC I mean.

DH: I came to BC after I first met Zack Parise. He came to the Wild, as you probably know, walked into a players meeting, slapped me and said “This is my team now bitch”. No one on the team likes me anyways so I looked for another team to tryout with. Vancouver seemed logical so I came here. Once the NHL locked us out I ran out of money and now I can’t get home.

MTM: You signed a huge multimillion dollar contract only a few years back. What happened to your money?

DH: Cocaine man. Nothing but blow. During the offseason they don’t do drug testing so I use that to my advantage. I basically live off of scraps during the hockey season so I can have a couple of months to not sleep and bang hookers.

MTM: You look like you haven’t slept in months.

DH: Last night was really rough. I got into a bar fight after I picked up a girl who wound up being a guy. I stuck my hand down “her” pants, flipped out and then he punched me in the face. That’s when I realized I was in a bar called Celebrities and apparently it’s a gay bar. I was so high I didn’t realize what was happening.

MTM: Don’t you have any friends here? Other players that can give you a hand?

DH: Obviously you don’t know me that well. Nobody likes me. Not even a small bit. I don’t know why, maybe it’s due to my excessive alcoholism and drug addiction. Maybe it’s my penchant for hookers and blow.

MTM: What about your family?

DH: They all live in Germany and won’t accept my collect calls.

MTM: That still doesn’t explain why you were at jury duty here in new west.

DH: I thought that it was a gathering of alcoholics and was hoping to get some cookies and coffee.

MTM: I wish I could help you more man. I’ll give you the cash in my wallet and buy you a meal if you’ll accept it.

DH: Just leave. I’m a grown ass man and I can find my own way home.

MTM: Fine be that way. Hockey is better off without you.

(I phone Cory Schneider to give him a progress report, and he tells me to phone Gillis directly, as he said he was bathing in champagne with his lady. Gillis told me to come to his office)

(30 minutes later in Gillis’ office I explain to him what I learned with Dany)

Mike Gillis: Your next assignment is in Toronto. Here is your information and tickets (he hands me an envelope). Inside is bonus cash and a new phone. Now get the fuck out.

MTM: Deal.


Wow what a long day. I’m tired. I’m on a plane first thing tomorrow to Toronto. This is getting weird and can’t help but think that I’m being setup for something.

Till then……