(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Ryan Kesler 1-16-2012
Due to a pair of glasses I stole from Trevor Linden, my skill in pushing people out of my way and a magic ruby that can hypnotize people, I have been given access to interview NHL players, officials and other media.
Today’s interview is the mighty and benevolent @Ryan_Kesler fresh off an on ice practice skate. He’s in a bad mood due to a few things that have been said off the ice. Once the rest of the media left him alone I spoke with the reigning Selke trophy winner.
MattTheMascot: Hi Ryan my name is Matt I am an independent news outlet. Can I have a few minutes of your time?
Ryan Kesler: Oh come on, I’ve already done a lot of interviews today. Fine make it short.
MTM: Great! First off I have to say that many people I know will be jealous that I got a chance to talk to you. It is quite an honor.
RK: Your welcome?
MTM: Whoa a little on edge tonight?
RK: Its an internal matter just don’t worry about it.
MTM: Was it AV’s calling you out to the reporters on your play as of late?
RK: He did what? No I’m pissed off because Booth fairy has a better tan than I do, Higgy has better abs than I do and Juice is playing god awful music in the dressing room. What did coach say?
MTM: He said your a lazy bum and your overrated. Oh and that CoHo has a better shot than you.
RK: That bastard! I’m going to activate hashtag-beastmode and show him a thing or two!
MTM: Did you just use a hashtag in an interview? You haven’t been tweeting too much lately. Except the fact that your won your fantasy football league. Poor Burrows, he’s knows that your talking about American Football not soccer right?
RK: Well he does now. Thought he would have learned that a striker isn’t a football position. He even drafted a goaltender. Hilarious!
MTM: I heard that you went on a diet and strict exercise regimen in order to pose for that nude issue. What did you do?
RK: I ate a bunch of twinkies and did 500 sit ups a day. Oh and I ate a lot of pizza.
MTM: I’m sure your strength and conditioning coach Roger Takahashi is thrilled about that. Maybe that’s the reason behind your play that’s causing your on ice issues.
RK: Well if your so smart, what do you recommend? Huh tough guy?
(Ryan pushes me hard, leaving a grease stain on my shirt)
MTM: Were you eating pizza again? Wash your hands man. I recommend a high protein high fiber diet with vitamin supplements. Lots of fish, lots of meat. Greens to help digest it all. Tons of water as well.
RK: But I’m sponsored by Faygo That’s my drink. If its not gatorade, red bull or cosmo’s then its faygo.
MTM: All right Insane Clown Posse, that’s the most disgusting drink on the planet. Ship that stuff back to 8 mile.
RK: What did you say to me?
MTM: Excuse me?
(Ryan pushes me, but little did I know Keith Ballard was behind my legs, tripping me)
Keith Ballard: Well well well. Lookie here. I remember you. You got me clubbed by Gillis’ body guards. I had to be put on the Press box list because of you.
RK: He was making fun of faygo.
KB: Dude what do you have against America?
MTM: Because I don’t like faygo I don’t like America. Right. By the way I also got knocked out that day.
RK: Was it Hammer?
MTM: Yeah and it was right after Gillis’ goons clubbed me.
RK: Did you have a Tim hortons gift certificate when you got up?
MTM: Yes as a matter of fact I did. What does that mean?
KB: It means nothing. He gave me peanuts the other day! Ooooh and his pogs!
RK: Keith, just leave.
(Keith storms away crying about something)
MTM: Now, seeing how that’s over I’d like to ask you one last thing.
MTM: Can you confirm the rumor of George Parros being traded to the Canucks?
RK: Go away. You suck.
(I turn around to exit the building when I see a familiar face)
Dan Hamhuis: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
(Dan kicks me in the stomach, then grabs my head as I’m bowled over, jumps and pulls my head down onto his shoulder, effectively pulling off the Stone Cold Stunner)
( I awake sometime later. I’m in a place I’ve never seen before. It smells of sugary syrup. I look around, there are small dwarves with purple skin. I have heard of these people before, the evil cousins of the oompa loompas, the purple mogwai midgets. I look at their name badges, and i realize where i am)
MTM: NOOOOO I’m in Detroits Faygo factory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stay tuned as my adventure continues!
Photo courtesy www.nhl.com