(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Zack Kassian 03-05-12

Thanks to a broken leg, a bottle of jagermeister, and a ride in the cab of a trucker who smelled like a russian’s armpit, I have finally made my way back to my home, Vancouver British Columbia. Its sunny outside, with a few clouds, but that doesn’t matter, I’m home!

After a much needed shower and a change of clothes, I take my dog for a run around the seawall. After a while I stop to take a break at a bench, and I notice a familiar face, one of the newest Vancouver Canucks, Mr Zack Kassian.


MattTheMascot: Hi Zack, my name is Matt. I’m a well traveled journalist, can I bother you for a few minutes?

Zack Kassian: Sure I’m just waiting for some of the other guys to come from starbucks.

MTM: How does it feel to be part of the Canucks team?

ZK: It’s an amazing feeling. Especially coming from the asshole of America, stupid Buffalo.

MTM: Buffalo? Really? I have heard is a great place to live. Why did you not like it there?

ZK: One name, Ryan Miller. The guy is an absolute prick. Biggest prima donna I’ve ever met. He can’t go one day with talking about his hair, and his smile. He always made fun of my missing tooth.

MTM: I wasn’t here for the game saturday night, but I saw the highlights. How would you have done better if you could rewind time?

ZK: I would have gone all buck shit crazy. I would have punched everyone in the face until they all chased me, giving the guys free time to score.

MTM: That’s one method of getting yourself attention. Who on the team have you gotten to know the best since joining the team last week?

ZK: There has been two actually. The first is Manny Malholtra. The guy is a saint. Reminds me a lot of my dad, jebus rest his soul. Manny looks out for us, and holds us accountable for our actions. And then the other is David Booth. He bought me a copy of the Lion King. He said I’m Simba.

MTM: Wow. You’ve left me speechless.

ZK: I also like the Polar Express, and Aladdin. But Booth said he can’t watch it with me. He said its Cody’s moment with him.

MTM: Seriously, I don’t want to know. Let’s change the subject.

ZK: Oh! There Manny now! He brought me my hoco!

Manny Malholtra: Here you go big guy! A hot chocolate for my new friend!


(I shake hands with Manny)

MTM: Hey Manny glad to meet you, my name is Matt.

MM: I know you, don’t I?

MTM: I’m not sure. I’ve met quite a few of you guys on the Canucks now.

MM: Now I remember! Kes and Hammer passed around a photo of you in a box passed out sucking your thumb.

MTM: Yeah, I need to talk to Hammer, can you get a hold of him for me?

(Dan comes to sit on the bench)

Dan Hamhuis: Oh hey buddy. Glad to see you made it back.

MTM: We need to talk. You owe me and you said you’d make things right.

DH: Is 40 dollars ok?

ZK: I can lend you my Lion King dvd!

MM: I can give you a discount at sportchek, I used to work there.

MTM: Guys! Calm down. Get me into a Canucks game front row, and a press pass.

ZK: I can get you an ice cream cone!

DH: I’ll get you the tickets buddy. But you have to come to church with me first.

MM: I’ll get you the press pass. But you’ll need to takeover my runescape account and make my characters good again.

MTM: NO! Do as I say, or I’m going to the highest levels of the NHLPA, the NHL and the police. But I don’t want to do that. I love this team too much to do that. So please, I think I deserve this much from you especially Dan.

DH: Fine, ill take care of it. Let me make a phone call.

(He walks away and phones someone)

MTM: So Zack, now that you have been here for a few days, what are you looking forward to living in Vancouver?

ZK: Well growing up in Ontario we used to smoke so much we…….

MM: Don’t finish that sentence Zack.

DH: Ok, everything is prepped and ready. Ill drive us all down there. We have a players meeting to go to anyways.

MTM: Good. Let’s go.

(We jump into Hammer’s gold Toyota Sienna. It has bumper stickers that say things like “My boss was a carpenter” and “Jesus loves you”. His dashboard has a bobblehead of a very white, blonde and big headed Jesus Christ. Its winking and giving a peace sign)

(After a few minutes we arrive at General Motors Place Rogers Arena, I check in with security. I meet up with TC Carling, head of Canucks Communications. I tell him of my story, of which he feels is a tragedy and not very good PR. He offers me a job as a writer for the Canucks. I gladly accept. I leave the arena very happy and feel like the last few months were some form of destiny. Waiting outside is Zack)

MTM: Well Zack, I am sure am glad to have sat down at your bench. Things worked out pretty well.

ZK: So I get to see you again?

MTM: You bet kid. I’ll be here a lot.



My trip across North America has ended. But my adventure is just beginning. Who knows what next week will bring!

Pictures courtesy of NHL.com


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