(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Cory Schneider 9/6/2012 SEASON TWO

It is on this lonely Thursday, that I am in downtown Vancouver, wandering aimlessly having a crisis. I was fired from my job with the Canucks organization, and because of my poor education and limits physically, I have been unable to find steady work above minimum wage. On top of that I could not pay my rent so I was evicted and spent the past two months on the couches of my family and friends. I was finding jobs at fast food restaurants and movie theatres, but kept getting fired for reasons I deemed unfit (falling asleep watching Batman while on the company dime might have been the only appropriate termination).

So today on this sunny yet slightly chilly day I am looking for work but I am at the end of my rope. I have no money and have burned all my bridges, over extending my welcome as a bad house guest. I have no clean clothes and am getting rather hungry. I am in yaletown, looking like something out of a horror movie I’m sure, when I lean against a starbucks window and fall asleep. I awoke to a starbucks employee hitting me with a broom telling me to go away and that I’m scaring away his macchiato sipping customers. I get up and run around the corner, tears welling in my eyes when I crash into a person, their drink spilling all over myself and this poor fellow. I get up apologizing over and over when I look up and see it is none other than Vancouver Canucks goaltending specialist, Cory Schneider.


MattTheMascot: Oh my, I’m so sorry Mr. Schneider. I’m so so sorry.

Cory Schneider: Calm down, it’s ok, it’s just coffee.

MTM: Are you burned? I’m so sorry!

CS: I said I’m ok, and call me Cory please.

MTM: Ok, sorry, Cory.

(I’m acting like a 6 year old meeting Santa Claus, bumbling and pausing after every word)

CS: Like I said its ok. Is everything all right? You look like you have seen a ghost.

MTM: I shouldn’t bother you with any of my problems. Please let me give you some money so you can get that shirt washed.

CS: Oh don’t worry about it. Wait a minute…. You look really familiar. Do I know you?

MTM: We have met before yes. I was an employee of the Canucks up until a few months ago.

CS: Right the interviewer…. You called me a “Ginger Ninja” in Minnesota.

MTM: Oh god that’s right…..

CS: For which I punched you in the balls.

MTM: And I deserved it too. I was super messed up that night.

CS: And I apologize for hitting you. I shouldn’t have done that. I am working on keeping my emotions in check. I am practicing the art of Buddhism to alleviate stress in my life.

MTM: Thanks for making sure I didn’t die in Minny, like Dany Heatly, Zack Parise and Ryan Suter are about to do.

CS: Shap!

MTM: You know the term shap?

CS: Are you kidding? Myself and Kes are masters at the art of shap. We shappity shap all day long, we just didn’t have a term for it before.

MTM: That’s hilarious, but I really should be on my way, I don’t belong in this neighborhood and the VPD will probably come and beat me half to death for being poor in a rich white neighborhood.

CS: Wait wait wait. I heard about how Gillis was a jerk and fired you. The rest of the team and I all felt bad, even if you caused us some grief for a few months…. (he laughs) I want to help you out, let me try and get your job back.

MTM: But won’t the impending lockout take precedence over getting a bum his job back? I can barely afford food let alone new clothes and a haircut.

CS: Pish posh, just relax. I will help you with that. We need to clean you up if you even think we are getting in the door.

(Cory takes me to his local pad, a penthouse suite in one of the tallest buildings in Vancouver. He offers me a shower and some clean clothes. We then go to a barber, get a shave and a nice haircut.)

(He hails a cab afterwards and we set off towards Rogers arena)

MTM: Cory, you’ve done so much for me, how can I ever repay you?

CS: Hamhuis told me to do as an act of faith. He really likes you.

(We arrive at Rogers Arena, and enter past large guards that each look as though they could rip a tree out of the ground. We are directed to Mike Gillis’ office on the top floor. More guards await us there, this time armed with automatic assault rifles and bulletproof vests.)

CS: He is expecting us.

MTM: Ok what is going on here?

(Mike Gillis turns around in his leather swivel chair like a bad bond villain.)

Mike Gillis: Sit down and shut up.

(The guards leave the room, leaving the three of us alone.)

MG: Matt you are lucky you are even allowed back in here, after the stunts you pulled. Our friend Cory here and his teammates came to me after I fired you and asked for you back. I initially hesitated, but Cory phoned me today and asked again. Now I’m not going to hire you back into your original position. I’m also not going to be hiring you back officially on paper either. I need you to get information for me, information I cannot get. Our players and other team’s players will open up to you, and I need that intel.

MTM: Uhhh, question? Why is Cory here hearing all this?

MG: Simple, he’s my mole, and you’re going to be his partner. He’s also your superior officer and will be your contact on the inside. I will provide you with security clearance and anything else you will need.

MTM: And if I say no?

MG: Then I shoot you in the head, with no remorse. (He pulls out a gold plated handgun.)

MTM: Hey whoa whoa….. Why all this hate? We are all good Scottish men at heart aren’t we?

CS: I’m German.


(The doors open again and the security guards point their rifles at me.)

MTM: Ok I get it, I’m leaving.

On our way out Cory hands me an envelope, gets in a limo and drives off. In the envelope is a blackberry, a Bluetooth headset, 5000 dollars and a note that says “Wait”

Here we go again…….



Goodbye Maple Place

The experience of moving to a new place of living can be a dream, or a nightmare. For some of us, we get to upgrade, while others are forced out to other more meager dwellings. I was fortunate to move up on the scale while moving away from a current hell hole called Maple Place. I have made a poem concluding my move out of that surrey dump, of which I am going to share with you.

Goodbye Maple place
-I wish to never return except to see the friends I have met

Goodbye annoying people always wanting to touch and caress my dog
-Stop that, it’s weird

Goodbye bin divers at 4 am
-It’s too early to stir around the smell of garbage, you stink

Goodbye heaters that never work in the winter time
-We really hope the next people take you to court over them

Goodbye mysterious hole in the bathroom wall
-I tried not to look at, it was creepy

Goodbye terrible water pressure and shatty plumbing as a whole
-Never understood plumbing or I would have fixed it myself

Goodbye horrible maintenance and cleaning staff
-I used to see how long it would be in between vacuuming and floor washing, sometimes up to three weeks.

Goodbye terrible drug addicted neighbors who stay up till 4 am every day
-Your d-bags and will get yours one day

Goodbye weird people with dogs (Mike and Melissa you guys are great this doesn’t apply to you)
-Just because you have a dog doesn’t mean I want to talk to you at all.

Goodbye weird guy who has a “Neverland Bookmobile”
-Michael Jackson is going to meet you in hell, South Park Chicken Fucker Part 2

Goodbye bed bug infestation.
-Oh yeah new tenants…… about that

In conclusion, I hope the good people who live there find a way out soon. For the rest of you, stay and rot for all I care.


Flea Market Day

So today I went to the Cloverdale flea market with my wife and some friends of ours. It was a very sunny and warm Sunday where I felt like melting an ice cream sandwich on my face or sticking my head into a tub of ice water. For those of you who don’t know, flea markets are places where 99% of the products you see for sale are just a bunch of junk no one wants anymore. These flea markets have been bastardized by ever annoying shows such as storage wars, where now everyone things there hunk of dried dog poo is worth a hundred thousand dollars. Although it’s usually truckloads of stolen goods sold by gypsies, occasionally you find some decent items mixed among them. But then, you find something so awe inspiring, so nostalgic, you lose a bit of yourself in memories of past or dreams of the future. And I am here to share some of the things I saw that I almost bought.

From the outside it just looks like a bronzed bird. But upon closer inspection you see that it is actually Toucan Sam, the mascot of Fruit Loops cereal, frozen in carbonite, then covered in bronze, put on display because the owner is a mad sadist bird hater. I felt bad for him but the guy wanted 50,000 republic credits, which aren’t even real so I left the table, hoping that @streetcrow will be able to fund his cousin’s escape from his vile jailers grasp.

These were the first Nintendo games I ever played, Super Mario Bros and Blades of Steel. Some of my finest moments in the sport of hockey came from Blades of Steel. Like the time I beat my 9 year old cousin by a devastating score of 16 – 0. This was in 1991 and ever since then my video game playing skills have only gotten worse.
And Super Mario Bros, you have a special place in my heart. You changed the world and I am better off with you in my life than if you had ceased to exist. Who knows, if you didn’t change the scope of how games were played maybe I would be a doctor or a physicist, living a boring uncreative suicidal life. I love you man.

The slide projector was a revolutionary piece of technology, it allowed pictures to be blown up in relatively clear quality against a wall of some kind. Now obviously 40 something years later this is a completely useless, ancient piece of junk, but it is a prime example of the level of technology available in the 1960s and 70s. This brand, however, Google can’t even answer much other than that it is basically stolen pieces from other projectors on the market and sold as a different company for ridiculously cheap. I believe this may have been a walmart scam before walmart was walmart.

Growing up a Vancouver Canucks fan, I saw the rise and fall of the Russian Rocket known as Pavel Bure. I saw him live in person several times and could honestly tell you, no one in the world was on this guys level. Eventually he was hampered by injuries and a terrible contract that led to his removal in Vancouver and eventually back to Russia. This autographed photo was only 100 dollars and came with a certificate of authenticity. If I didn’t just buy a condo and wasn’t planning a trip to Mexico, this would be up on my wall already.

A panther poorly carved out of wood? You bet! The owner of this item tried telling me this was worth 30 dollars! Hah! What a dipshit. The only reason I partially liked this was because I read a series of novels that feature a panther in it.

And finally A FREAKIN CROSSBOW! It was crudely made, and didn’t have all of its working components but hey you know what? If I got it to work I would be able to put an arrow right between the eyes of a bear. Or if I was like David Booth of the Vancouver Canucks, I would leave some rancid meat in a barrel and cheap shot it when it wasn’t looking. I wonder if bear meat is any good….. Dammit off topic.


Thor’s Reviews! The Dark Knight Rises

Im going to let my new friend Thor do reviews for me from now on, so be nice to him.

Thor’s Reviews!

Tonight we are going to reviewing a movie called “The Dark Knight Rises”. My friend Matt has taken me under his wing and shown me many things since coming to this world, including what is described as Hollywood. So without further ado here, we, go…………

Let me first start by stating that this mythical Bat creature is a pretty cool human being, but would not stand a chance against me on the field of battle. The Batman series, which started off as a “comic book” created by a man who had too much time on his hands, is a collegiate of many films, television series and comic series. After watching and reading all of the Batmans history nonstop since my arrival, I have determined that this movie is a breathtaking roller coaster from beginning to end. Some parts seemed a bit drawn out, and probably could have been at least 10 minutes shorter, but it wouldn’t be Christopher Nolan if there wasn’t parts that made me want to scream. Overall the movie was exceptionally acted, the visuals were magnificent and you could really see everyone was extremely serious about this movie. The music and sound is one thing I in particular pay attention to, and this film was perfect in that department.

The plot line was a bit confusing, and if someone has not seen the first two movies in the trilogy, they won’t have a clue about this one. By the end of course everything makes sense but it felt too long of a process to identify all the ins and outs, with twists almost every 20 minutes further warping an already weak story. What it came down to was Nolan had to end it, and he did, and it actually made me yell obscenities at the screen while the film was still playing.

Acting grades

Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne – 5 Odin slaps to the face /5
Christian Bale as Batman – 4 Bat symbols in the sky /5
Tom Hardy as Bane – 10 super badass pistol whips /10
Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle / Catwoman – 25 super hot sex kittens /25 ( i mean…. screw it im not apologizing)
Gary Oldman as Commissioner James Gordon – 3 seen him do betters /5
Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox – 5 narrator of the year awards /5
Michael Caine as Alfred – 5 we need to talks /5
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as John Blake 5 i knew you werent a fluke in third rock from the sun or inception-s /5

In short the film was fantastic and and I have minor issues with the length and a few lines of the script but I wont let that stop me from giving it a 98% approval rating. Even Odin himself will like this cinema take on a modern day human taking on terrorism and a scary guy in a mask.

Thor Odinson III signing off

Mike Gillis caught a fish, and he wants you to know about it.

So earlier this week, Vancouver Canucks General Manager Mike Gillis was on vacation and caught a tuna fish weighing in at a whopping 140 pounds. The local blogging community and fans were understandably upset at him, as the free agency period was still filled with suitable candidates for what the Canucks could use in their line up. Most notably Shea Weber from the Nashville Predators and Shane Doan from the Pheonix Coyotes. So instead of bargaining for high profile free agents, Mr Gillis was sipping mai tais and catching fish in the sunshine. After he caught his behemoth fish, his son snapped a photo of him hoisting it in the air and sent it to the world via twitter. He also made some comments to go along with it, and i have found them and decided to share them with you.


Whoa Gillis, dude you shouldnt be talking about your wife like that.

Poor Zack, i think he needs a bit more deoderant or something.

He has some strong words for mr Luongo. Instead of trading him, he is mocking him, what a jerk.

Here he is taking stabs at his fellow general manager of the Nashvile Predators, David Poile on one of his recent defensemen jumping ship.

Oh he must have been drinking a bit too much, now hes singing Rod Stewart. Why are we scottish so crazy?

This is one hes going to want back. Apparently he really likes fish and really doesnt like traded centerman Cody Hodgson.

Here he has some choice words for twitter user @Strombone1 who may or may not be Roberto Luongo.

I know hes drunk and everything, but this one made everyone really mad. Not only does he rip Andrew alberts, current Vancouver Canucks defenseman, but also makes everyone feel bad for wanting superstar Shea Weber.

So all in all Gillis had a fun day, while making us the fans have a shit fit over his antics. it was only a few weeks ago that most of the people in Vancouver liked him. Funny how a few days can change things.


(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Jason Garrison 7-5-2012 SEASON TWO

It’s been awhile since I spoke with the Vancouver canucks, so imagine my surprise when I got a phone call early one morning from Ben Brown, Director of the Vancouver Canucks Media Relations, asking if I’m available for a job. I of course asked what the job was, which Ben replied “We want you to be the first to interview our newest Canuck, Jason Garrison.” I jumped at the chance, a local guy who is new to the team will be a big assignment.

I shave off my nearly three months of scuz and pull myself together. I am to meet Mr. Garrison at the Fairmont Vancouver hotel, and am surprised to see a mob of people young and old, salivating at the chance to meet the newest player to come from the Florida panthers. Evidently I wasn’t the only one with the information of him being there. I see a familiar face in the crowd, my friend and fellow blogger Wyatt aka @TheStanchion. I ask for his help and decide to tag team this interview. We manage to get our target to a secluded area within the hotel while security holds off the Justin Beiber-esque crowd.

MattTheMascot: Hey Jason, that crowd was crazy, good thing you have your own security deployment.

Jason Garrison: Gillis warned me about that ahead of time, I underestimated the craziness of some of the fans here.

The Stanchion: Let me start off by thanking you for this opportunity guys, it’s great to meet another Vancouver Canuck.

JG: Your welcome, who else have you met with on the team?

STANCH: I’ve met the whole team, gambled with them, golfed with them and had them all over for a BBQ.
MTM: What? When? Why wasn’t I invited?

STANCH: Sorry space was limited and you always embarrass yourself somehow, I couldn’t have that on my watch.

JG: I am interrupting something?

MTM: Sorry I got off topic. So Jason what does a white rock boy like yourself do in your spare time?

JG: Well I like watching and playing basketball and golfing. Also I’ve been known to juggle cats while skating to improve my reflexes and agility. Also I chase chickens too.

STANCH: Wow that’s umm, awesome man. I also read that your last NHL fight was with your new teammate Manny Malhotra. Are you guys going to be fine playing together?

JG: Water under the bridge man, Manny and I are both Jedi. We sometimes have disagreements and we hash it out but we are fine now.

MTM: So we are going to have three Jedi on our team, are you guys going to use the force to win a cup?

JG: That’s the plan dude.

STANCH: OK I can’t wait any longer. I gotta know, Charizard or Bulbasaur?

JG: Pikachu.



STANCH: NWO Wolf pack or Hollywood?


MTM: Steak or Salmon?

JG: Steak AND Salmon.

STANCH: You just blew my mind man. Who would win in a fight? A Samurai or you?

JG: Pretty obvious.

MTM: Ok how about Zdeno Chara or Captain Kirk?

JG: Captain Kirk, but with a tag in from Spock.

STANCH: A pack of hungry wolves or Maxim Lapierre’s smile?

JG: Those wolves wouldn’t stand a chance (he winks).

MTM: Have you ever been compared to Mr. Garrison of South Park?

JG: I would hope not.

STANCH: Last one from me, wanna come to my BBQ on saturday?

JG: Sure thing, just text me your address, here’s my number. (He scribbles on the back of an autographed photo of himself)

MTM: Can I come?

STANCH: Yeah, about that, sorry bud I can’t have too many people and Bieksa is bringing a big crew with him.

MTM: Oh ok, I understand. I guess.

JG: Don’t be a baby about it, suck it up buttercup.

MTM: Oh because that makes it so much better.

JG: Anything else? I have a tee time with David Booth and Malhotra in an hour and I don’t want to be late.

MTM: No no were done.

JG: Gentlemen, it was nice to meet you and Stanch I’ll see you Saturday.

Later that day I get a text from Mike Gillis telling me I’m fired. He says I’m not asking the right questions and making a fool of the organization. As if it couldn’t get worse I heard Trevor Linden was at the Stanchion’s bbq. I was so upset I went back home and ate a tub of Neapolitan ice cream. But I didn’t eat the chocolate or vanilla. Great now I need a job again….. sigh


Hockey Cards: Nostalgia Revisited

Hockey Cards: Nostalgia Revisited
This is a another new feature that will get updated whenever I feel like it.
This morning while going to get some bread at the ole Wal-Mart, I found 2 things that caught my eye. One of them was that Sidney Crosby was still on my bread packaging. Which for some reason drives me ballistic.

And the other was a package of Vancouver Canucks team cards from the beginning of the 2010-11 season. Naturally I was intrigued, seeing how I’m a sucker for Canucks crap. On the back it gave a list of players included.

Hank and Dank of course among them, Luongo and Schneiderman, Kesler and Burrows and even Slammin Sami Salo. But also the likes of Darcy Hordichuk and Christian Ehrhoff. I couldn’t help but notice the late great Rick “Stone Fist” Rypien as well. I have decided to share some of the cards of those who are not with us anymore. As we face palm some of the signings of our GM’s, I will share some info on the back of the cards and then some up to date stuff about them.

Rick Rypien – Born 5/16/84 passed on 8/15/2011. Shoots right, Weight 190 height 5’11”

As the entire Canuck nation knows, Rick had been battling some inner demons such as depression for his whole life. He wound up taking his own life due to this. His friend and teammate Kevin Bieksa, has started Mindcheck.ca. A place where people of all walks of life can find information on how to help themselves and people close to them affected by mental illness.

On the back of the card : “Rypien has played junior, minor league and NHL hockey within his native Canada. He closed his American Hockey League career after four seasons with the Manitoba Moose in which he scored 16 goals and added 21 assists for 37 points in 105 games.”

I strongly urge everyone to visit Mindcheck.ca and promote the information within. Mental Illness is prevalent in today’s world, please help end it.

Evan Oberg – Born 2/16/88 Shoots left, weight 165, height 6’

Who? Yeah not many people remember him. Because he wasn’t very good at defense, he was small (only 165 pounds) and ill guess he smelled bad. On February 28, 2011, Oberg, along with a third round pick in the 2013 NHL Entry Draft, was traded to the Florida Panthers, for left winger Chris “Abs” Higgins. He is currently playing with the Norfolk Admirals of the AHL as a prospect for the Tampa Bay Lightning of the NHL. He still has 0 points, 0 PIM, and has played 7 NHL games.

On the back of the card: “Oberg’s skates touched NHL ice for the first time in 2009-10 as he appeared in two games for Vancouver, including a 7-3 win vs. Calgary in the April 10 regular-season finale. He spent most of the season at Manitoba in the AHL, leading all Moose defensemen with 26 points. “

Christian Ehrhoff – Born 7/6/82 Shoots left, weight 205, height 6’2”

The once mighty, how you have fallen. For those of you who know me, which is very few, you know I was not a fan of his while he was here in Vancouver. Yes I thought his offensive talents were great, his skating was superb. But he was a liability in his own end and I spent more time yelling at my TV because of him than any other Canuck. He currently plays for the Buffalo Sabres of the NHL . This was due to his negotiating rights traded from Vancouver to the New York Islanders in exchange for a fourth-round pick in the 2012 NHL Entry Draft, where he was a cry baby and refused to sign and play, and was subsequently traded away again the next day to the Sabres. What a baby…

On the back of the card: ”Team success has followed Ehrhoff at every stop, *(editors note: it hasn’t really) as he has played for two of the western conference’s best teams in San Jose and Vancouver. He has made the post season in each of his five seasons *(editors note: haha sucker) and already has 50 Stanley Cup playoff games and 22 points under his belt.”

Darcy Hordichuk: Born 8/10/80 shoots left, weight 215, height 6’1”

This guy is a clown. Why he even has a job still I don’t know. He was recently seen infuriating Edmonton Oiler fans last season. “Hordi” was traded for a guy who didn’t even play a game with the Canucks, that’s a shitty thing, too bad you deserved it clown. During the 2011 off-season, Hordichuk vowed to abuse the Sedin twins the next time he played against the Canucks. When the Oilers and Canucks met on October 15, 2011, Hordichuk injured his knee taking a run at Canuck defenseman Keith Ballard, who threw a last-minute hip check at the charging Hordichuk. This hit temporarily ended Hordichuk’s season. Another reason to love Ballard and hate Hordichuk.

On the back of the card: ”One of the tougher players in the league *(editors note: hahahahaha) Hordichuk has long been a protector of his teammates. During the last 10 NHL seasons , he has 112 fighting majors, the third most in the league behind Jody Shelley (155) and Ian Laperriere (144). He dropped the gloves 19 times in 2001-02.”

Sergei Shirokov : Born 3/10/86 shoots right, weight 195, height 5’10”

He was one that I felt got away. Originally a great prospect, he failed to impress the brass on the NHL level. He is currently with HC CSKA Moscow of the Kontinental Hockey League (KHL). His rights were traded for “buzzin” Mike Duco from the Florida Panthers. He recently won a gold medal as part of team Russia at the world championship.
On the back of the card: ”Before his six game stint with Vancouver in 2009-10 Shirokov was busy playing hockey on both sides of the globe. In his last year with CSKA Moscow in Moscow, he scored 34 points in 57 games. Then, he was second on the Manitoba Moose (AHL) in 2009-10 with 45 points.”

Mikael Samuelsson: Born 12/23/76 shoots right, weight 213, height 6’2”

The Triple Gold Club member won a Stanley cup with Detroit in 2008, and when he played in Vancouver he was the veteran that made a lot of great things happen for the team on and off the ice. Famous for being blown off of team Sweden’s 2010 Olympic hockey team, and then stating “I pretty much have one comment and maybe I’ll regret it. But they can go fuck themselves,” referring to the brass behind team Sweden. His first season in Vancouver he netted 30 goals in the regular season and 7 in one playoff series alone against the Los Angeles Kings. He was traded to the Florida Panthers along with fellow veteran forward Marco Sturm for forwards David Booth and Steven Reinprecht, as well as a 3rd round pick in the 2013 NHL draft.

On the back of the card ” In Vancouver’s first round victory against the Kings in the 2010 playoffs, Samuelsson was the key offensive contributor for the Canucks. He registered at least one goal in each of the first five games, finishing the series with team highs in goals (7) points(11) and plus minus (plus8).”

As an added bonus, look at Dan Hamhuis and Keith Ballard before they got their Canucks uniforms on. So ridiculous.