Why I hate shopping

I am in a select, somewhat unique group when it comes to shopping. While most men I know dislike shopping to begin with, the fact of the matter is that being an awkward, overweight, nerdy sports loving metal head makes my life hell when it comes to buying things for myself.

How hard is it to buy jeans? Not that difficult. If you are under 200 pounds and have a deep wallet. If your above that threshold, and have a stingy hand holding a debit card, well your options are further limited. Toss in the fact that years of being a closed in hermit who hates sunlight and the human race, results are generally very poor.

Note to sales people of the world. Don’t try and show me a pair of $225 pair of jeans as a first option. I would rather shove a porcupine the wrong way up where the sun don’t shine than pay that much for a pair of jeans. Seriously, my mind was made up that something that covers my legs from the atmosphere and environment would be a very easy thing for me to buy. I scoff at how many ridiculous people buy expensive things just because someone else from somewhere else thinks their product is worth a retarded amount of money. (Yeah yeah I want an iphone just because its an iphone. Shove it)

I don’t know if its in big neon letters above my head when I walk into a place that I’m out of touch with, but somehow sales people have a way of sniffing me out of their stores if I don’t belong. I’ve never been in a clothing store other than the rock shop in downtown vancouver where I haven’t felt awkward. Maybe its paranoia. Maybe I’m just childish and refuse to grow up. Maybe because thinking of wearing a polo shirt, khaki shorts and sandals makes me want to vomit.

I know I have no fashion sense. That’s why I wish it was still the 80’s where I could just wear a band tee and jeans and feel normal. My version of dressing up includes pants. A button up shirt and dress pants required for my job is like torture. I overheat, long sleeve button up shirts are like ovens to me. Short sleeve button up shirts just look retarded, period.

Buying a jacket was a nightmare too. All I wanted was something that was thin and didn’t have bright flashy circus style colors. Didn’t want a huge logo on it either. Well its impossible. Even in Metrotown, with its 60,000 stores, it was impossible. I’m also prejudiced though. I won’t go into a place that resembles a douchebags r’us, or anything that has a tiger on the outside of the wall. If you have fedora’s on your wall, I won’t go near your door. And if your fortunate enough to have doors blocking said fedora’s, as soon as I see them I’m turning around the other way. Also, if your sales associate is wearing white sunglasses around his neck or a hat period, ill just leave.

I’m cheap. I come by it honestly. Through blood lines that come from the United Kingdom, I refuse to over pay for anything. If I can go to old navy and pay $30 for jeans instead of 60 at the gap, I will. If I can switch a label without anyone noticing, damn rights I will. I know how shopping shysters get away with confusing sales people. My problem is that I can’t stand talking to people face to face. If I could go through the shopping world without having to talk to a sales person that thinks less of me because I’m “portly”, then maybe I wouldn’t feel more comfortable in toys r’us buying something for my upcoming halloween costume than in your ed hardy selling, overpriced and moronic store.

Bottom line, no fedoras, no white sunglasses.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

@mattthemascot

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