(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Kevin Bieksa 03-12-2012
Thanks to a Dan Hamhuis stone stunner, an international six city not by choice road trip, and a sympathetic Vancouver Canucks organization, I have been given an opportunity of a lifetime. I have been tasked with writing for the Canucks, interviewing its players and the players of teams they play. I even get to travel with them and stay at fancy hotels.
For my first interview as a Canucks employee, I chose Mr Kevin Bieksa. He has gone from whipping boy to one half of the league’s top shutdown defense pairings. A local fan favorite, and a good old canadian boy too, he was a logical choice. On a rare complete day off, I catch up with Kevin at the players clubhouse.
Kevin Bieksa: Sure, I was just about to watch some old reruns of pokemon.
KB: What what? Do you have a problem with that?
MTM: Sorry I didn’t mean to offend. Its just odd in my eyes that you are watching a cartoon from the 90’s.
KB: Well it was popular among my friends growing up. And its my goddamn day off. So watch it pal.
MTM: No offense intended. Let’s move on shall we. You joined the team in the 05 season and the team has gone through a few changes. What do you remember the most from that rookie campaign?
KB: Well it was the season after the lockout so a lot of the veteran players were apprehensive to say the least. Big name guys were angry but happy to be playing hockey. We the rookies didn’t understand what was going on.
MTM: Are you referring to the shootout?
KB: The rule changes weren’t the biggest problems. Although no one liked the delay of game penalty. It was just a feeling everyone had. Maybe it was the rules. I can’t explain it.
MTM: In that rookie year of yours, was the debut of Crosby and Ovi too. Do you know those guys very well?
KB: I’d like to smash Ovi’s face until its pulp. But he’s pretty quick for a russian dude. Sid though, I played against him in junior a few times. Nice guy, even if he is a bit of a milk hot dog.
MTM: Milk hot dog huh. I saw your after hours interview, in which you explained how that came about. You said the Sedins gave you $200 to squeeze that into an interview. Who is your favorite twin?
KB: I like the third Sedin, Cory Schneider. He’s my favorite.
MTM: That’s not what I asked you.
KB: Hey look what’s on! The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers!
KB: SHUT YOUR FACE! This was the coolest show growing up!
(He jumps off the couch, and pretends to do some martial arts kicks. He falls down horribly, landing with his right knee behind his head, screaming bloody murder)
MTM: How can I help?
KB: Go get our doctor! He’s in the room across the hall!
(I run across the hall. I hear Kevin crying and screaming again. I enter the room. There is a man, standing over 7 feet tall, he has white paint on his dark face. The tall man has feathers sticking out his long jet black hair.)
MTM: Are you the doctor?
Witch Doctor: (Nods)
MTM: Come with me, Kevin is hurt bad!
WD: (He nods again)
(We walk back into the room. Dan Hamhuis is sitting by Kevin, offering Jesus’ prayers for his health)
Dan Hamhuis: Oh hey buddy. What happened?
WD: (He puts his finger to his lips, indicating we be quiet. He fumbles in a pouch, pulls out a grey ball and waves at Dan and I. He throws the ball to the ground, and thick smoke fills the room)
MTM: Kevin? Dan?
(No one answers. Once the smoke clears, no one is in the room. I leave the room, down a hallway. All of the lights are out. I can hear murmuring in another room. I go through the door)
DH: Who’s there? What’s happening?
(I turn on the light. Hamhuis is attached to a makeshift cross, blindfolded. Someone has smeared red lipstick on his mouth and all around his face. White makeup covers his cheeks)
MTM: What happened to you?
DH: Buddy? Is that you?
MTM: You look like the joker haha. Ill go get help.
(I leave the room. I am greeted by the witch doctor outside the door. He puts his hand on my forehead and I collapse)
(I awake some time later. I am back on the couch with Kevin)
MTM: Are you ok? What just happened?
KB: What are you talking about? We were just watching power rangers when you fell asleep and started grumbling something.
MTM: Really? Do you have any advil? I have a headache.
I enter the room across the hall. The room looks the same, even the same doctor. He doesn’t have feathers in his hair or face paint but its him. He looks at me, winks and disappears into thin air.
I ran out of that clubhouse as soon as I could.
I ran to the company shuttle and left that place with its ghosts far behind.