(Fake) Interviews with NHL Players! Keith Ballard 01-08-2012
Due to the magic of teleportation, my skill in forgery and an 87$ suit from a less than reputable suit tailor, I have been given access to interview NHL players, officials and other media.
Today while the Canucks are in southern Florida about to face off against the Florida Panthers I was able to talk to Keith Ballard while he was about to hit the gym after an early morning practice.
MattTheMascot: Hey Keith my name is Matt and I am an independent news outlet. Can I have a few minutes of your time?
Keith Ballard: Sure. I was just about to start my routine with some stretching. Care to join?
(My back and groin immediately start to scream)
MTM: Yesterday you guys played an incredible game against the leagues toughest opponent as of late. You came in with confidence and you didn’t let them scare you away, as many bruins fans had thought would happen.
KB: Yeah those guys are tough but we made them pay on the score sheet. Also we had brass knuckles in our gloves.
MTM: Whoa! I don’t think you should be telling me that. Its my job to inform the rest of the world what you say.
KB: Oh then I guess I shouldn’t tell you about the marbles we threw on the ice either.
MTM: Moving on. Everyone in the NHL’s sphere of knowledge knows what happened between you guys and the Bruins last year. What did you learn that helped you come back from those games?
KB: We learned that if you can’t bring knives and guns to a fight then you’ll have to fight dirty. We were like mosquitoes around there ear. Baiting them into fights, chirping about their mothers and spitting at them when the refs aren’t looking. That’s why Lucic tried to tear off Bieksa’s head like a beer cap.
MTM: I heard a rumor that someone has put a bounty on Brad Marchand’s head. Can you tell me the truth on the matter?
KB: Yeah Daniel got really embarrassed over what happened last year and put up a $10,000 Ikea gift card up for anyone on the team to take him out. Nobody really likes Ikea on the team but we said we would accept because we don’t like anyone from Boston. Player coach or fan we despise them all.
MTM: Is that why you guys got out the rink and onto your bus so fast? You also got to Florida rather quickly. I would have expected you guys to take in some sights and sounds of Boston.
KB: Yeah all the fans were really irate over us winning. Well all the boston fans don’t really know what anything other than drinking and fighting is. I think they all think Ben Affleck is god or something. Most of them are red sox fans you know. Mike (Gillis) told us to shut up and keep walking when we got off the ice. He’s kind of a nazi sometimes.
(After 100 push ups by Ballard and my 5 and a quarter we move into the cardio room where we are joined by my hero Dan Hamhuis spinning on a bike)
MTM: Hi Dan! Glad to meet you (we shake hands) You know Jesus hates you and you should join in the league of Satan. Ill give you my number. Ill hook you up.
(Dan then glares supreme hatred at me and walks away)
Was it something I said?
KB: He is a jesus freak dude. Why would you say that?
(Keith jumps on a recumbent bike and starts pedaling)
MTM: I was just spreading my faith in the way I know. Sorry maybe ill buy him a non alcoholic beer later and he can cry about it. Anyways back to my questions. You have a lot of history with Florida. In fact a lot of the guys on the team have spent some time here. What do you miss the most?
KB: The cocaine.
MTM: Excuse me?
KB: I mean uhh the sunshine. (Throws me a wink) And Tomas Vokoun. He was my bestest buddy. He hasn’t been the same though since I tapped his helmet with my stick.
MTM: Being the investigator I am, I have seen that play. And you didn’t tap him, you nearly cleaved his skull in half like he was a helpless watermelon.
KB: Tomato potato.
MTM: Your not saying that right.
KB: Whatever your Canadian.
MTM: I see now why AV doesn’t like you.
KB: I played football!
MTM: Yeah I know. And you weren’t very good that’s why you stuck with hockey. Speaking of football, the NFL playoffs are on right now. Who’s your team?
KB: I really like the Boston celtics. They are going to win the super bowl.
MTM: They are a basketball team not football.
KB: French fry tomato plant.
MTM: Your still not saying it right.
KB: Whatever, canadian.
MTM: So moving on, where do you think you’ll be traded to come deadline day?
KB: Well I like Minnesota, I’m from there you know, (I place my face in my palm) their slow boring play suits my tempo as of late. Or possibly the Atlanta thrashers. I sure like it down there.
MTM: Atlanta doesn’t have a team any more dumbass and your not exactly the best person for an interview.
(Keith jumps up and punches me in the shoulder.)
KB: Oh man sorry I was trying to hit you in face. But I’m not wearing my glasses.
(Mike Gillis walks in the room with two guards, both with something in their hands but I can’t tell what. He then points at Keith and nods. The guards then walk up from behind and they hit him in the head with their slap jacks. He crumbles.)
Mike Gillis: This interview is over.
MTM: Okay no problem ill just be on my wa……. (I hear a thump and see blackness)
(I wake up later with a goose egg and a tim hortons gift certificate in my pocket.)
MTM: Oh man my head hurts. Tim hortons? Cheap bastard…
Dan Hamhuis: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
MTM: What the…….
(Dan throws a right hook that levels me out)
Tune in next week as I interview more of the NHL’s finest.
Photo courtesy www.nhl.com
check out the next adventure http://mattthemascot.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/fake-interviews-with-nhl-players-ryan-kesler-1-16-2012/